Holding On

June 22, 2014June 22, 2014 / djuanadreed / 7 Comments

They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I have now had my fill of what I can handle. I am dangling by a thin thread by one hand saying out loud to God, “No more! Can this family have a break? I am worn out. I don’t think I can handle one bit more.” More challenges that are out of my control have come this week. I am not made of steel. I am strong. I know I am, but this is all too stinkin’ much. I’m getting smooshed under the weight of it all.

Riley’s pictures hurt now. There is an ache that comes over me when I see his face smiling behind a magnet on the refrigerator. I can be rushing through the kitchen and there he is smiling at me. I lose my breath when I see his face sometimes. I can be on the phone, look over at his picture sitting on the shelf on the bookcase and I forget the whole conversation while tears well up in my eyes. I want to kiss his cheek and touch him. I can’t. Riley won’t come into a room again smiling and say “Hi” the way that he did. He’s not going to kick his purple and gray Vans off at the bottom of the stairs before he climbs them. He won’t leave a dirty dish on the counter again. I now miss all of those times that I picked a dish up shaking my head thinking Riley, how hard is it to pick the plate up and put it in the sink? There are no dirty clothes waiting for me to wash for him. His bedroom door remains shut. He’s not behind that bedroom door sleeping.

Riley was not a morning person. He was grumpy in the mornings when he was woke up. I didn’t like grumpy so I was willing to give him space as long he got up. Sometimes it took more than one time to stick my head in the door and say, “Riley, get up!” What I would do to deal with Smiley Riley’s grumpy morning demeanor. I would give anything to see him open up that bedroom door. I want to pick up one of his dirty dishes on the counter and move it to the sink for him. I want to wash and fold his clothes for him. I really honestly do. I want to grab on to him and hug him tight. I want to sit by him, put my arm through his and breath the same air of Riley Reed Peterson. My son. My love. I can’t.

I have lost my sweet baby boy to drugs. I HATE DRUGS!

I am told there is no timeline or correct course in grief. I know there are stages of grief and I think I am already barreling through them. I hear that I will bounce from one stage to the other and I could repeat them. I do know that I must allow myself to feel the pain. The grief counselor told me that I am doing okay. I don’t feel like I am doing okay today. It is hard work, this life of grief that got dumped on me and I’m barely into it. I have a life time ahead of feeling the pain of losing my child. I know there is a rope within my reach from this thin thread. I will put two hands on it and I will hold on.

Share Riley’s story, please. Riley was a good kid that made a wrong decision. I am hoping that there is a kid out there that will hear Riley’s story and in turn, will make a different decision so that he or she can kick off their shoes, leave dirty dishes on the counter, and dirty up clothes so that their Mom or Dad can continue to have the privilege of putting their dirty dish in the sink, to wash and fold their laundry, to kiss, to touch and to hold them.

I Love You, Riley.

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A Bittersweet Father’s Day

June 15, 2014June 16, 2014 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

Why do you suppose Father’s Day feels harder for me than Mother’s Day was? Mother’s Day came so quickly after Riley died. I was still numb and making my way through what had just happened. Well, I still am. Greg came with us on Mother’s day. I thought it was important that we all be together. When I flew that kite, I looked up high hoping that the kite would reach Riley some how. I stared up to the sky as the kite weaved and bobbed up there among the clouds with a back drop of a beautiful blue sky thinking… Come on down, be with us Riley. He was. He came along.

I imagine that today is a hard day for Greg. While he is celebrating being a father to three perfect children, he is missing one. Bria has grown to be a beautiful, intelligent, vibrant woman who is completely comfortable in front of a crowd of people just like her Dad. Braden has grown to be quite a talented, incredible young man who is giving of his time and abilities to others like his Dad. Riley was a mini Greg. Riley and Greg shared their love for music, talent in singing, and in the way they made others feel comfortable by their smiles and smart alic comments. Riley happened to look like Greg too. When we decided to have a third child, we couldn’t have guessed how blessed we would be. We called him “Bug” as a nickname. I’m not sure how he got that nickname, but it stuck. Riley turned out to be pretty darn amazing. We were, are very proud of him. The fact that he made a poor decision doesn’t discount any part of who he was. If I could change that decision, I would. I can’t. I think he could have ruled the world some day. In some ways, he still can impact the world in his absence. At least I am hoping so.

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are bittersweet now. I am so very thankful for 18 years with Riley. I am praying for and counting on more than 24 and 22 years with Bria and Braden. I know now more than ever to be thankful for today. I couldn’t be a Mother without the Father so Happy Father’s Day, Greg. Thanks for making three beautiful children with me. We did pretty darn good!

I Love You, Riley.

What Makes A Hug?

June 8, 2014 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

The definition of a hug is to “squeeze (someone) tightly in one’s arms, typically to express affection.” I’ve thought a lot about hugs lately. I’ve been getting a whole lot of them from family, friends as well as people that I have never met before. People that I hadn’t seen in 30 years. People I had seen last week. People I have known all my life. People that knew Riley and not me have all delivered squeezes to me tightly in their arms to express affection. I am not sure if the hugs are for these people because of their pain or for me. I think the hug is being delivered for both of us. If you know me, you know I find odd strange questions to hang on to and analyze. This one is my latest. What Makes a Hug? I have noticed that sometimes a hug is given or shared with me that I can melt into. I can feel it all the way through me. I can relax and release in that moment. The thing is, it’s random of who is delivering it to create that feeling in me. It doesn’t really have any consistent factor. So is it me needing that hug at that moment or is it who is delivering the hug that can make the hug feel that way?

One of those really good hugs came from a woman. She’s a little squishy. She’s not real short. Not real tall. I don’t even think she likes me much but she delivered a hug by putting her arms around me and I melted. I instantly released tears and felt comfort in her arms. It was a good hug. Another hug that has stuck out came from a man. I was busy being greeted by strangers and I got this hug. It was delivered amongst the chaos. It felt genuine and for the time his arms were around me, I could breath a little better like a sigh of relief. I felt that hug all the way through me. I thought to myself after I let go of him, now that was a good one! And then there was Riley’s elementary school teacher. It was a surprise to see her and what a warm feeling when she hugged me. It was a hug that helped me breath better for a few minutes. I released some tears with her. I was able to relax for a minute in her hug. I am thankful to have those hugs. That’s a reprieve I don’t get very often these days. My pain stays hour to hour, day to day. It is a constant that is not going to change. I have to learn to live with it. I know that.

A Riley Hug

I can order up a good hug from my kids. I love hugging Braden. Braden is 6’4″ and me, Mom, fits right around my baby’s waist. It’s a good spot. Braden has a heart of gold and his hugs feel like gold. Bria and I meet at a mutual spot when we hug- two girls who are alike more than either one of us wants to admit. We are best friends holding each other. I love hugging Bria. Now Riley’s hugs were unique and I asked for them in a reverence of what I was about to receive. No lie! The picture above is one of mine and Bria’s favorites. You can see because that is what happened when you were lucky to receive a hug from Riley. Bria was moving to Colorado and we were all up early to send her and Braden off on a road trip. I think Riley is 14 in that picture. Bria was 20. I know all that have received a hug from Riley will agree, Riley’s hugs were special! He wrapped his arms around you and picked you up. He held you tight. Sometimes I asked for him to not let go yet. I soaked in my baby boy’s hugs. I knew they were special at the time but Oh what I would do for one more….. No, a lifetime more of Riley hugs to go with Bria and Braden hugs. I should still be gathering all three of my kids’ hugs. I need all three of their kind of hugs. (I just did a heavy sigh). I have to be glad that I had my sweet baby boy in my life for the time that I did. That he has left a lasting impression on the world by his presence here for 18 years. It should of been longer. I planned for it to be a lot longer. It wasn’t.

Hug your kids. Hold them tight. Feel it all the way through you to your core and savor it. Whether the hug is for you, for them or both of you……. HUG.

I Love You, Riley.

“Don’t Worry, Mom”

June 6, 2014June 5, 2016 / djuanadreed / 2 Comments

Riley came into this world smiling. Well, he probably cried at first, but I’m pretty sure once he started smiling, we were all blessed. His smile was contagious even as a little guy, he was called “Smiley Riley”. He was as easy as pie as a child. He was rarely in trouble and when he was, it was over stupid stuff like ditching class or grades. And the grades thing was stupid because he was super smart, but didn’t see the need to do the homework when he could ace the tests.

He stopped having his hair cut as a freshman and with my begging and pleading, he did trim it for his senior pictures…trim ONLY was the agreement. I loved his long hair. Riley beat to his own drum, he knew no strangers, and he went out of his way to share that smile and easy goin’ demeanor with others. Riley played guitar, piano, saxophone and tuba. He was a band kid and he tried choir his senior year. It was fun to watch him sing. He loved music and was very talented. He liked to discuss philosophy, psychology, religion, music, computers and he played chess at his home away from home, his favorite hang out, a local coffee shop where he left an impression on adults as well as his peers.

Riley decided to celebrate his 18th birthday by taking acid. I’ve seen something he wrote while in the euphoria of the acid trip and we know too well the aftermath of what happened when that acid trip went bad. The decision to try a drug ended his life. Riley was accepted to NAU, had a girlfriend he was over the moon about, had a family birthday celebration coming up, a grad party planned, a high school graduation to experience…all stopped in its tracks. I thought we were open and frank in our conversations about sex, drugs, school, girls. We actually had a long conversation about drugs only two days before the incident. He told me he wouldn’t go there, he said he knew better…..“Don’t worry, Mom,” he said.

He did go there even though he knew better. Teens think they are invincible. How do we change that? I do not know.

We do keep talking to our kids. We need to educate ourselves on this epidemic of drugs. Too many lives are lost daily to drugs and Yes they can get it- pot, heroine, acid, mushrooms, Xanax, Oxycontin, cocaine, Ecstasy, Adderall and so much more. There have been many stories in my inbox exactly like Riley’s almost to a “T”. There’s synthetic drugs out there that sent a 14 year old wandering the streets naked, a grown man waking up in the ER with the last thing he remembers is smoking some pot the week before. He said it looked like pot, it smelled like pot yet blood work showed no THC – what the heck did he really smoke?

There’s plenty of adults and children dying from drug use. The pot your kids are smoking is laced with all kinds of crap. Did you know there are acid brownies? Hash cookies? Kids are putting drugs in vapor cigarettes and e cigarettes and in hookahs. How about Triple C’s? Triple C’s are (Coricidin Cough and Cold pills) the writer told me that her son was taking 20 at a time to hallucinate. Cough medicine that is sold for a little over $5 a box to anyone! These are the things kids are using to get high that is readily available to them. This mom got the pills pulled from her local Walmart store shelf by talking with the pharmacist and they are now only available from behind the counter.

The dealers are buying the drugs online. How scarey is this to you?

Talk to your kids about the dangers of drugs. Educate yourselves about what is out there. Teens are educating me on the drugs and what is out there so we need to get ahead. Maybe Riley’s story will sink in so that when that one moment of curiosity, peer pressure, opportunity comes for your child or relative or neighbor or friend’s kid (and it will)…. they will walk away, say No, choose to not go there knowing about a pretty cool kid that had a smile for just about everybody that died as a result of thinking he was going to have some fun.

I Love You, Riley.

It Can’t Be True. Please God Don’t Let It Be True.

June 3, 2014January 30, 2015 / djuanadreed / 10 Comments

That morning, the day of Riley’s 18th birthday, a day full of Riley birthday plans and birthday wishes, I got a phone call that I couldn’t have imagined that I would ever receive. I hung up the phone and ran to my car. My body was shaking. I backed out, hands gripping the steering wheel tight. I started moving the car forward saying out loud, ” It can’t be true. He has it wrong. It can’t be true. Please God don’t let it be true“. I cried out loud and then I’d say it again, “It can’t be true. He has it wrong. It can’t be true. Oh God please don’t let it be true.” When I pulled up, there were firetrucks and ambulances and police cars lining the street. I got out of the car and felt like I was going to pass out. Police detectives walked up to me, Greg came up to me, we held each other as I sobbed, whaled, cried. It was true. He wasn’t wrong. God couldn’t tell me different. I sat on the curb and rocked back and forth while the officers were trying to talk to me, telling me what was going to happen next, giving me their condolences, their words of comfort. There was no comfort to be had. My baby boy was dead.

Our family paced, stared, cried, talked for the next few hours trying to make sense of it all until we found out about the drugs. Details of the evening started coming in. He had taken acid (LSD) – it was planned to celebrate his birthday. With a timeline among other consistent details from different sources, it was clear… it was drugs. The friends said it was his first time. They said he was happy at a certain point. They told him to call if he got into trouble, he did call…..they missed the call…..he was found shortly after. Riley had shot himself.

It doesn’t seem real sometimes still. I think of Riley often in normal activity moments (Mom moments) like what would he want from the grocery store or maybe I should get him those …….oh no he doesn’t need new shorts anymore or if I park in his spot, where will he……he won’t be parking his car in the driveway anymore. At the funeral, Bria and I came in, Braden and Greg were there in the family waiting area and I immediately did a head count and thought to myself, someone is missing. Of course someone was missing. I loved it when we were all together. As they get older, you almost have to schedule being all together. My most favorite times were always when all three kids were together in the same room bantering and telling stories. I didn’t dream this could happen. It never crossed my mind. Not this.

” In 2012, an estimated 23.9 million Americans aged 12 or older were current (past month) illicit drug users, meaning they had used an illicit drug during the month prior to the survey interview. This estimate represents 9.2 percent of the population aged 12 or older. Illicit drugs include marijuana/hashish, cocaine (including crack), heroin, hallucinogens, inhalants, or prescription-type psychotherapeutics (pain relievers, tranquilizers, stimulants, and sedatives) used nonmedically.” – See more at: http://www.drugwarfacts.org/cms/Drug_Usage#Overview

And we are at 2014 now, bet ya the numbers are higher not lower. Drugs kill. It is true. So so many lives have been lost because of drugs. I’m not wrong. It only takes one time, one try, one decision to have such horrific, wrong, permanent consequences. Please God help me share Riley’s story so that this isn’t true for another family.

**This post was written in June 2014. We are at 2015 now, 9 months since Riley died. I’ve learned that every 17 seconds a teenager tries a drug for the first time. I have seen so many stories of kids just like Riley who, on their first try of a drug, died. The LSD he had was bought online by the high school age dealer at his school. The amount of LSD in that one tab according to the toxicology report was way way way more than he was told. My kid was like your kid -a smart kid, band kid, choir kid, good with computers, lovable kid, loved music, played guitar, liked coffee, made strangers smile, accepted to college, happy go lucky, Riley tried a drug and died. Tell your kids it can happen. It only takes one time.

I love you, Riley.

Helping a mother tell the story no parent wants to hear

June 1, 2014June 1, 2014 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

Helping a mother tell the story no parent wants to hear

An article written by Katrina Bland, the Arizona Republic Newspaper. This article appears on the front page of the Sunday, June 1st paper. I am thankful for Riley’s story to be shared like this so it can touch more lives. Thank you, Katrina Bland.