Kentucky

Fall Leaves Fall

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As I sit on my porch, I can hear the the leaves falling off of the trees in the front of my yard. The colors of gold and browns of various shades float to the ground and scatter in the green grass below. A squirrel busily moves around the yard. The sky is overcast. The sun will appear later today. There is chill in the air as I sit here bundled in my jacket. In the middle of my front yard, there is a dead tree. It needs to come down. It is brittle losing branches. It sits there with no life to it. I feel that sometimes- lacking of life. I won’t fall down. I will not.

As I emptied boxes yesterday, I came across the things I brought with me to hold onto memories of Riley. I hung my head and sobbed more than once during the hours I was amidst his things. As I settle into my new home, as this place becomes more comfortable and familiar, the pain of losing Riley gets strong again. I was so busy for the past few weeks. My mind was distracted. I now am settled in. The pain, the unending pain of losing my son to drugs grips me. I can’t get away from it. I can’t get out from under it. It sits on me like a heavy load. Why can’t he still be here? Why did God allow this to happen?

He was a vibrant young man who had a future set before him. Many years ahead to conquer the world or at least make a dent in it. His intelligence was unyielding. He spent his time making friends of strangers and effecting lives by his sheer presence. Chasing an idea. chasing an experience that he somehow thought would be worthy of his 18th birthday celebration, he took acid. He sent a snap chat with the blotter on his tongue. He wrote of the joy he felt at the beginning of the trip, he begged for help at the end of the trip and in the end, he took a gun and shot himself. I shutter at the terror he must have felt in the end. I cringe at the thought of the gun to his chin and the sound it made as it went off. His smile forever gone in that moment. My smile forever changed in that moment.

photo 3 (43)1My tears fall like the leaves. I am dead and brittle with the pain that overwhelms me. I will not fall down. I will not allow this pain to drop me to the ground. There is beauty in all emotions. If there was no pain in life, we would not be motivated to move, jump, leap, change something. We endure the discomfort after a work out knowing there will be a gain, strength in the future. An addict must feel discomfort, pain in order to want the change in their life. If we hate our job enough, we might just get up and find a new one. Happy. Sad. Angry. Mad. I have discomfort. I am aware. I cannot shed it. I will not sit still and be overwhelmed with my pain. I will do something with it.

Riley’s story needs to be told. It is of a kid who had been accepted to college who played tuba in the school band, won debates, sang in the choir, hugged freely, made people smile by his smile, changed the unsuspecting lives of those that crossed his path, grew up in church, gave to others, took or asked for little, smart as a whip and funny too. He helped people accept themselves as they are. He showed love no matter what the circumstances. He played guitar, piano, tuba, and saxophone. He was one to hear a song, sit and pound it out on the piano or self teach it to himself on the guitar. He knew computers well. He was/is my son. One I am still very proud of. He died because he tried LSD.  Teens should know this story and realize it can happen. I am here to tell the story, to plow through the pain so that perhaps one teen will remember Riley’s story in that moment of making a decision whether to try a drug- any drug. Drugs kill. It’s not worth it. We are not invincible. It can happen. It happened to Riley.

Riley’s memory stays. Our love for him doesn’t falter. That love and memory will sustain me. I will not fall down.

IMG_5314-3222259585-OI love you, Riley.

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Onward And Upward I Go

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photo 2 (52)I am almost to Kentucky. Just 258 miles left. I have not ever left Arizona without a plan of being back in a couple of weeks. This move is a huge change for me. For years, I have had a dream of having a cabin in the woods. The fact that I have bought a cabin on my own is big. The fact that I have bought a real log cabin in Kentucky is even bigger. I have learned that to take a step in faith reaps reward.  The rewards have shown themselves in personal growth, challenges and often, a load of blessings that come in all kinds of forms. I am following my dream and I am going with the flow.  Onward and Upward I go.

It is more painful than I had imagined to leave family, friends, familiar streets, buildings, corners, parks….ha-ha…….its going from what I know to what I do not know. It is really really hard to leave Riley things behind. It was a struggle up to the last minute that I walked out the door before I hit the road wondering if I have everything of him with me that might be important to have. I took odds and ends of strange things. Guitar picks, a rock that he had saved, a pencil, two of his WWF wrestlers, his Vans that were at the bottom of the stairs so often, a scrap of paper with a doodle on it, books he had read, music he loved, his tuba mouth piece among other small simple things that he had touched. I am also bringing some of Riley’s ashes to spread in Kentucky. Riley goes with me in my heart. The pain of losing him doesn’t waiver. It is nice to have something to touch but what is most important can’t be left behind.

As I drove out of Arizona, I was looking backwards for the first two days of driving. As I get closer to Kentucky, I am looking forward to what is ahead. It’s taken alot of miles to turn my head around and I’m not totally sure that I have but it’s better. I will arrive in the driveway of my very own log cabin today and the adventure begins. With all of this driving, I have some thoughts on road trips- here are some of my notes to self.

  1. Pay attention to road signs! Oh, too often, I notice too late that I am passing an Exit that I needed, thinking, “Oh no I just missed another one and I have to go!” This leads to the reality that I’ll be miserable for no idea how much longer til I find another Exit which sometimes I pass yet again while in deep thought. Hence, my moaning becomes even louder! This also happens with the need to get gas so I have learned to fill up the gas tank whenever I stop for the aforementioned need. Pay attention.

  2. Other vehicles on such a long drive become like friends to me. They come into your lane, they drive near you. This is sometimes for quite a long time. There is passing of each other, moving to the right, moving to the left, following, and leading. Thinking you’ve left them behind and there they are again. And just as friends do, they go and exit along the way. But no fear, a new vehicle comes along to occupy your space sometimes for a short time, sometimes for miles and miles. Friends come and go.

  3. I feel a sense of safety with the semi’s around me. I have grown to be amazed by these big guys as they take up the highway. This may have to do with a tall gentle giant who is a trucker and a friend. Just like I appreciate his presence in my life, I appreciate those semi’s close by on the open road. I also have noticed my impatience in sharing the road with the semi’s when two trucks take up two lanes and hold me up. So as I like safety, I also want to keep moving. Stay safe. Have some patience.

  4. Music is important on a road trip. I burned CD’s of Riley’s favorite music for this trip. It makes me cry imagining him listening to the music. I wish I could discuss the music with him like we used to. I have found new bands that I really like that he liked. I have also found I do not like some of his taste in music at all. Riley’s tastes in music covered about every genre of music.  The more I grit my teeth and listen, the more some of it grows on me. Keep listening.

Onward to Kentucky I go. I have challenges ahead. How to deal with snow, mowing an acre of land, meeting new people and becoming familiar with my new streets, buildings, corners, parks, and critters such as raccoon, opossums, coyote and deer.  With all the new while carrying the old and familiar, I am most certain that Upward I go! ……….Watch me fly!

I Love You, Riley!

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Play Your Guitar For Me

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IMG_5146-LIt is late at night  in a house in the woods in Kentucky. There are these awesome little bugs here that are called fireflies. They are a wonder. They blink. There are butterflies of all shapes and colors that come sit on my shoulder or stick to my pant leg. Everything is so very green here. I took a walk yesterday and came across a family of deer standing in my path. One big one turned around and stared at me for the longest time. I stood still and stared back. As I walked, a bull frog hopped across my path  and crossed over to the other side. A hawk flew over my head searching for prey. The stars shine bright at night in the pitch blackness with no street lights. There are sounds in the woods that I don’t recognize. I wonder what I am hearing. I know there are coyote out there leering. I am thankful for Koda, the Doberman that stands watch near me. There are daddy-long-legs walking about and spiders sitting in webs. Nature is beautiful.  Laying in the hammock in the shade under a tree with the breeze blowing  is heavenly. God made this place. I am thankful to be here.

I am here, but my head is not here a lot of the time. I smile and hold pleasant conversation.  I laugh at times. I find wonder in the little things around me and then I sink again to the pit of my grief for my son, my love, my Riley.  I love him so much. He was my sweet baby boy. I don’t know how this could have happened. I don’t know how he truly can be gone. I listen to the stories about Riley that come from adults as well as his peers. I hear stories about how he changed their lives by the things he did, what he said, by  his smile and his demeanor. That was My boy. He was a wonder in so many ways. His intelligence. His laugh. His musical talents. His computer skills.  He effected many lives in a good positive way by just being Riley daily. Why did this have to happen? Someone please tell me.

Sitting and listening to someone playing an acoustic guitar makes me think of Riley strumming on his. I think of how I would stop whatever I was doing and listen to him play.  I would be washing dishes and would stop, dry my hands and plop down at the kitchen table to listen. The tears well up in my eyes at the thought. It was a gift he gave me when he played his guitar and he didn’t even realize it. Sometimes he’d walk through the living room, stop at the electric guitar, turn the amp way up and play and I’d think, I like the acoustic guitar much better. I’m showing my age I fear with that statement. There was a time where he goofed around with the piano. He’d pick a song to play and mess with it without any music til he got it right. How about the time he decided that he needed to buy an organ, saved his money and sold a couple of his personal things to go buy a used one from a little old man. Watching him sing in the high school choir brought me such joy.

Tonight dinner was breakfast for dinner. I thought about the things I do with eggs and then the breakfasts I made which led me to think about what kid of mine liked what and then I cried. Riley memories make me cry. The memories of things I can’t have again that create silent tears rolling down my cheeks while my bottom lip quivers. I try to not hold the tears back but I probably need a walk in the woods to release some wales of crying to cleanse a little. It is not right to have to live without your child. It’s just not right. My sweet baby boy is gone and I can’t do anything about it.

Riley come back and play your guitar for me. I’ll make you some eggs. Please?

I love you, Riley.