Tiny Hands that Hold my Heart

December 12, 2016December 12, 2016 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

My heart is full when I am with my granddaughter. At 10 months, she isn’t still unless she is in my lap while I read her a book or while she is drinking her bottle. Her tiny hands are soft, touching and reaching for things. Her eyes light up with wonder at things around her. You can see her mind twirling as she touches her Dad’s socked feet and in return, he makes a funny sound. She looks back at him and stares quizacally. She uses her tiny hands to throw a tennis ball and then crawls after it to do it again. Everything she picks up goes straight to her mouth. She puts her tiny hands down to move quickly across the floor with an army crawl that Braden also did as a baby.

To watch her kick her feet smiling and reaching for her Daddy whenever he enters the room, makes my heart swell. She loves her Daddy. She has him wrapped around her tiny finger. Just as it should be.

I savored every moment with her and Braden when I visited them both a month ago. Every moment with someone I love is precious since Riley died. You don’t realize the depth of time and experiences with someone until they are gone. I will not have even one more second with Riley and that hurts beyond measure.

Braylin Riley is a happy baby. I cannot help from believe it is because, in some crazy way, that she has Riley’s name in her name. Riley was a happy baby too.

On my wrist, I wear Riley’s WWRD (What Would Riley Do) bracelet every day. It never comes off. I hand bracelets out when I tell Riley’s story. His bracelets are on the wrists of many people of all ages. The bracelets represent hope to me. Hope that whoever has one will remember Riley’s story, will repeat the story of how he died on a first try of a drug and that they themselves will not try or continue to use drugs.

Each time that I held Braylin as I gave her a bottle, she played with the bracelet putting her fingers under it, pulling on it, twisting it around my wrist over and over with her tiny hands. Watching her play with the bracelet caused me to weep the first time it happened.

Braylin Riley was touching Riley and his memory. She won’t ever have the privilege of knowing him. I believe she would have loved him like we all do. I think she would have been drawn to his smile and warmth like we all were. I am sad to know that she won’t ever have the chance to know her Uncle Riley though I know she will know of him.

I hope that Braylin will never come into contact with drugs. Reality is that she probably will. I fear what society will be like at that point when she will have to make the decision of trying a drug or not. I can’t worry about that today. We are far from that point. What I can do is savor the fact that Braylin is drawn to Riley’s bracelet as she plays with it with her tiny hands. She will see it there each time she sees me. She will play with the bracelet on her Daddy’s wrist, touch one on Aunt Bria’s wrist and tug on Grandpa Peterson’s too.

IMG_5272-XL Riley is here with us every day reminding us what life is and should be. His story reminds us how quickly without notice, life can be taken away by one decision. I miss my boy so very much. I am thankful there are tiny hands that touch a bracelet that reminds me of him and his unconditional love. Those tiny hands touch and hold my heart.

I love you, Riley.

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Call me Grandma Reed

February 24, 2016 / djuanadreed / 3 Comments

IMG_0839a Grandmas are seasoned Mommies. They are squishy and soft. Grandmas know stuff. Grandmas overlook faults and see perfection. They have praises for our successes. They are a willing audience. Grandmas don’t need to say a word – we know their opinion by the look on their face. They bake yummy cookies and make the best meals. Grandmas have open arms and warm smiles at every visit. Grandmas give away hugs no matter how big you are. Grandmas have treasures and special toys at their house. Grandmas possess the tenderness of a mother sprinkled with love and laughter.

Unsuspectingly I answered a call from Braden and Hannah on Skype. I smiled at the sight of their faces on the computer screen while Braden said, “Hi Grandma”. I frowned and said, “Hey, I’m not that o..l..d….” I stopped. Hannah nodded at me with her big eyes. I looked at my son and I immediately began to cry. Braden’s eyes filled with tears as he watched my reaction. They were pregnant. It was wonderful news that filled me with joy. A baby was coming to bless our family. Yes, Braden, Call me Grandma.

As I sat in the hospital waiting room, anxious to hear the news that mother and baby were fine, I imagined Riley sitting there too. His handsome face framed with his blonde hair smiling that familiar smile of his while he looked back at me from across the room. He should have been there. He and his Dad would have surely been bantering back and forth across the room with humor as we waited. It gave me a teary grin to think of how Riley would be in that moment. He belonged there. His big brother being a Dad would have brought Riley joy. I can imagine the pride he would have had to be an Uncle. Riley would have enjoyed this event very much.

After a long wait, an eternity of time it felt like, Braden came through the doors with a big smile. She was here, mother and baby were doing fine and she had hair. I then heard her name over and over …Braylin Riley Peterson. Riley’s name was tucked in her name. She was perfect! She was 7 lbs 7 oz, the same weight as Riley at birth. The nurses wrapped her in a hospital blanket decorated with elephants. Riley’s favorite animal was an elephant. Sure enough, Uncle Riley was present as Braylin Riley made her debut into this world.

After holding her in my arms, I hurried back to the house to finish preparations for Hannah, Braden and baby to come home. Cleaning, shopping, trying to guess what need the three of them could have that I could be prepared to fill. At the end of a long day, I laid my head down and cried myself to sleep. I could not hold it in anymore.

The tears released an array of emotions. There were tears of the joy of baby girl’s arrival after quite an intense labor and delivery. There were tears of pride for my son’s new title of Dad and the tenderness I witnessed as he held his baby girl. There were tears of missing my youngest son. I miss Riley every day.

I am honored to have seen Braylin grow from birth to one month old. Being there was a privilege. To be back in Arizona was a good thing in so many ways. To be able to be near Braden again, to help Hannah and to hold my granddaughter swelled my heart. To change her diapers was a treat. I treasured every sound she made, her baby smell and her big eyes when she was awake. To rock baby girl to sleep feeling her breath on my neck in her peaceful slumber gave me peace.

Peace is something I look for daily. Being a mother has been my life, my first priority, my largest job. Being a grandmother is something I have looked forward to since my babies were no longer babies. This new position of Grandma Reed is covered with pride.

The title Grandma Reed is an honorary one. I want to be a Grandma like my Grandma Reed and my childrens’ Grandma Reed. To go about grandmothering as they did would be an accomplishment. Both women were the definition of selfless with comforting arms and a peaceful spirit. They took the punches of this world while continuing to behave with dignity and grace. Their children and grandchildren were their pride. There was safety in their arms. Wisdom when they spoke.

When my children were sick or had an immediate need, I asked the Grandma Reeds to pray. They had a direct line to God I believed. He would surely hear their prayers and get back to us with an answer lickety split if they were praying. Grandma Reed and Great Grandma Reed share heaven with Riley now. I like that they are there with him until I can be there too.

Grandma Reeds cooked the best food, sewed and mended, taught us, prayed with us and for us, wiped away tears, welcomed us with open arms, gave us kisses and hugs- not money- not things- they gave us lessons. That is the Grandma Reed legacy. I want to be that kind of Grandma.

Call me Grandma Reed.

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I Love You, Riley.

Mom’s Sugar Cookies

January 13, 2015January 13, 2015 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

I was blessed with a wonderful mother. She was simple, selfless, sensitive and she loved with her whole heart. I am the oldest of five. We grew up with homemade dinner on the table every night. My Dad sat and she served him. No matter if she was sick or had a long day, she stood in the kitchen and made her family something to eat. I have very few memories of take out meals or visits to a restaurant. Mom put all five of us in the station wagon and went grocery shopping. I can’t imagine five kids in tow while trying to grocery shop. She sewed. She made me new clothes for dates, prom and even created my wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, flower girl and train bearers’ dresses. She mowed the yards. Clean laundry hung from a clothesline out back. She taught Sunday School to three year olds. She was a good wife and mother.

We have our favorite foods she made. Even my kids talk about Grandma’s cooking to this day. For the life of me, I’m not so sure what it was about her food. She didn’t make fancy dishes…….I wonder if it was the love that was served in her meals that everyone ate up and remembers.

One of the traditions we had growing up was making sugar cookies with Mom. They were not too sweet, fluffy not hard, just right. We rolled the dough out with flour and a rolling pin. We used cookie cutters, pressed them into the dough and placed them on a cookie sheet. We ate the remnants of the dough. She told us not to, we still did it. We decorated the cookies with her homemade icing and then we ate them. She continued the sugar cookie tradition with her grandchildren. I can picture my children, nieces and nephews up on bar stools covered in flour making sugar cookies with Grandma like it was just yesterday.

My mom died six years ago today. The call from my Dad, the feeling of Mom suddenly gone still runs through me. It was unexpected. Mom was young. She went to sleep and did not wake up. The sting of the loss of my mother remains. I still think to tell her things today as if she is a phone call away. I was the first to give her grand kids and what an amazing grandmother she was. She did not spoil them with gifts, but she gave them knowledge like how to sew, and cook. Just as Dad taught my boys to build things and fix things. Mom taught by being an example of her faith and her trust in God in all situations. She was always there when I needed her. I can’t think of a time that she wasn’t while she was alive.

Mom had planned to make sugar cookies with her youngest granddaughter at the time the morning that she died. The dough was made and waiting in the refrigerator. With the loss of Riley so fresh, I had a serious desire to make her sugar cookies this year at Christmas. I found two teenagers to make them with me here in Kentucky. To have that feeling, that mess, that pride in the finished product of an iced sugar cookie just like Mom gave her kids and her grand kids made me feel closer to her and Riley. I also made sugar cookies and sent them to Bria and Braden so that they had Grandma memories close to them this year. It was a hard holiday for all of us-our first without Riley.

The pain I feel from the loss of my mother is as instinctive as you can imagine. It does not even compare to the pain I feel from the loss of Riley, my sweet baby boy, my son, my love. I am glad that Mom wasn’t around to experience losing Riley. It would have devastated her. Parents are supposed to die before us. Our children are not. Riley had many years of making sugar cookies with Grandma and I. A comforting thought for me is that he is with Grandma now.

I wish that I could tell Mom, “Thank you for all that you did for me and for my children.”