My Caterpillar

April 6, 2015 / djuanadreed / 1 Comment

My dream has been to write in a log cabin in the woods some day. Now that I’m here at my desk looking out the window at the green grass and trees …what will I do with this opportunity?

One of the projects I have in the works is a children’s book. The main character is a purple elephant with a big grin and paisley feet named “Smiley Riley”. Purple was Riley’s favorite color. The elephant was one of his favorite animals. The character has emerged to fit him perfectly. I have an illustrator that I am working with to develop “Smiley Riley”. I have the theme of the first book. Now how do I write it? Various ideas rattle through my brain on how to go about telling stories to a pre-kindergarten audience. It’s a creative heart warming process for me.

In my research, I have spent hours sitting on the floor in the isles of my own childhood memories of books. Danville’s library is a red brick building with white trim. It stands majestically with nearby church bells tolling on the hour. It has a round foyer and staircases with white banisters. The children’s section is a relaxed area for fun around books. On each trip, I find a new part of the alphabet to look through. I crawl along the floor picking books that look interesting then sit in the isle and read. I pick books that I don’t turn past the first page and then I find others that make me smile and literally chuckle out loud as I read them.

I smile at the story line, the illustration and sometimes I smile because I read that book many times to my oldest daughter, Bria who is now 25. The books I remember treasuring as a child myself are still on the shelves and popular amongst the little eyes and ears who are sitting on their mother’s lap listening intently today. I read Goodnight Moon to Bria so many times. Braden liked any book about firetrucks. Riley liked the adventures of Corduroy, the bear.

Recently I was working and was distracted to Riley’s Facebook page. I was looking through photos he posted on his timeline over the years. I reveled in listening to his voice by comments he made. Remembering who he was and that humor of his that was so him. It was a wonderful hour of being next to Riley again. There was his voice in what he wrote, a video of him playing the tuba, his laugh and funny faces right there on my screen. And then there it was, he posted a photo of the book Corduroy by Don Freeman and another of The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle. He was being nostalgic about his favorite books as a child. Eric Carle’s books had been on my mind. It is one of the examples of a book that has remained popular since Bria was born.

The next day, I went to the library and found The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle and checked it out. I got it home and I opened it. I read each page looking at the photos while remembering. I remembered the times of reading it to each of my children while they sat on my lap or sometimes a child was cuddled up close on either side of me and one little Riley was placed on my lap. I hadn’t thought of the story line of A Very Hungry Caterpillar in a very long time until the story unfolded with the turn of each page. At the end of the book, I cried. Tears rolled down my cheeks and hit that last page. At the end was a picture of a beautiful butterfly.

In some cultures, butterflies represent the soul. The souls of those who have passed away. The transformation from egg to adult. Riley was born and died on the same date. He lived. He laughed. He helped others. He shared his smile. He played his guitar and sang his heart out. He barely made it to adult by hours and then he was gone.

Riley had a good life. He had his teenage angst. He did things I wouldn’t have approved of. He did alot of things I did approve of. And his life was cut short by trying a drug. As our children grow older, they have the freedom of choice. To cross the road without looking both ways. To talk to strangers. To not put their seatbelt on when they pull out of the driveway. To text while driving. To have sex without a condom. To try a drug for a forbidden high.

There’s no way to beat it into their brains. My theory is that we educate them of the dangers out there and that they know the possible outcome of their choices. As they grow older, some of those warnings we have given make sense to them. Some of those warnings obviously don’t as our teens take chances. The teen brain says, “I am invincible. It cannot happen to me.”

Riley’s story says it can happen. We are not invincible. Drugs kill. Even on the first try. I hate drugs.

I Love You, Riley.

The Connective Tissue of Loss and Life

March 9, 2015 / djuanadreed / 1 Comment

Riley’s 16th birthday, May 3, 2012, was a monumental day. He and I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to get his driver’s license. Getting his driver’s license was a big deal. Big for Riley. Big for me too. This meant I could send him to get milk at the grocery store. It meant that I wasn’t the chauffeur anymore. It meant that now I would worry about him driving and being safe. Mostly, being my youngest, I knew he was the last of my children that I would bring to this very spot to pass one more milestone in his life. I remember sitting there waiting with him feeling very nostalgic and sad. This was one more last time which I knew more were coming quickly like each birthday party marking a year older closer to when he would be grown, gone and on his own. There would be high school graduation before I knew it and then college.

After many trips of being on the passenger side of the car to and from school, on errands, Riley was getting his driver’s license. When it was our turn, Riley was handed the paperwork to fill out. I watched him pen in his name, birth date, etc. He also filled out the authorization of the Donor Registration. He did not hesitate. He was willing to give the gift of life by donating parts of his body if his life ended. He marked ‘Yes’ to all twelve of the anatomical gifts listed. I remember the shiver up my spine imagining that his life could ever end. I wiped that thought from my mind quickly. I was proud of him it was just another sign of the giving person he was. Just like the pride I felt when he came back from his driving test with a smile on his face, he had passed.

On May 3, 2014, on Riley’s 18th birthday, only hours after we found out that he had died, we received a call from the Donor Network of Arizona to talk to us about his tissue donation. I was surprised at the call. There was a list of questions for us and a detailed explanation of what would happen next. We were all still in shock sitting in a room crying, pacing, staring in blank air, trying to put it all together. We were still trying to understand how this happened, why it happened. I was still pleading to God that it not be true. It was not a good time for a call like this. I understand why the call is made so quickly, but still who had the with all to focus on anything.

Yet, knowing he was giving the gift of life and healing to others from his lifeless body gave me a warm feeling even at that horrific time. He would live on in others physically. That sounded good and brutal in those moments of freshly losing my child. Riley donated every part of him that was viable. Tissue, eyes (cornea), veins, skin, bone and connective tissue. I’ve thought a lot about the fact that someone got his beautiful soft skin. I miss touching him. The good feeling is that he must have helped many people.

Recently we received our first letter from a recipient. I am sure there will be more to come. The letter came from a man who had torn his tricep from his elbow in a fall. By using Riley’s tissue, they were able to attach it back. He relayed his gratitude, thanking us and said when he was completely healed, it would be as good as new. There ya go, Riley, you’re still helping others. That’s my boy.

I am proud of Riley for this decision. I am thankful to be able to know that he lives on in others. I recently saw messages of his friends talking of missing him, wishing they would see him sitting at Coffee Rush, wishing they could talk to him. The loss of Riley is huge in our family, yet his death has effected so many outside of it. I have messages from his peers as well as adults that say who he was has changed their life forever. They will remember him and try to emulate the love he showed to others. I have messages from parents who tell Riley’s story in hopes that their children will not make such a fatal mistake of trying a drug. I have messages from teens who say they will not try drugs because of Riley’s story.

The connective tissue of a loss and still living is evident here in more ways than one. He is effecting lives to this day. That’s my boy!

I Love You, Riley.

Sometimes You Have To Build A Snowman

February 23, 2015 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

Sometimes you just need to hold on for one more day. Depression can hit at the most inopportune times. It can simmer awhile. You can keep it at bay and then all of a sudden it has overwhelmed you. That’s what happened to me. I hurt my back. Dangit, I don’t want to admit I am getting older, but I am. I see it. I feel it. I know it just by my sincere wisdom. Hey, don’t laugh! You can’t live this long and not know a thing or two about life. But in my mind, I am not old. Wasn’t I just twenty something? I swear I was just starting to have babies – wasn’t I? Now they are 25, 22 and forever 18.

Up to this point, I haven’t thought twice about what I am about to tackle, lift, carry, or reach for. I felt fine that night when I went to bed. I woke up and my back hurt! It hurt bad! This was new for me and I didn’t like it. Laying still with a heating pad for two days was terrible. I don’t do sitting still well. I napped while I laid there. I flipped through television everyone was shooting someone or dying. I had to turn it off. I don’t like television anyways. When I tried to read, the father was dying in the book. I had to close the book. I am so sensitive to death now. I talked to my dog, Bert. That didn’t go well for long. I bundled up, went outside and swang on my porch swing. The tears came out of nowhere. They wouldn’t stop.

Being still is not a good thing in the middle of grief. It’s awful- I think and I miss Riley. I miss all three of my kids. None of my kids are here with me. What I would do to touch, hug, kiss any one of them. Two of them I can touch again. One I know I will never again be able to feel in my arms, kiss and squeeze tight. The stark reality of that hurts worse than the back pain.

With the rest, my back started to feel better then we had snow. I got distracted. Being from the desert, I am in awe of all of this white stuff. I was smiling, breathing a sigh of relief for a bit then I thought again. I couldn’t leave the house with the weather as it was so I thought some more. I couldn’t find anything to move my mind to something else, but sad things, memories, the ache of wanting my boy back. The grief laid on me like a heavy blanket. It is knowing it is not going to get better tomorrow or the next day or next year. What is my purpose? Why am I here to face this every day? All of this was tormenting me.

I fell asleep. I slept deeply. I woke up better. I made it to another day. The snow was melting. I bundled up, found a patch of snow and made a snowman. I laid in the snow and stared at a blue sky with sun shining in my eyes. I enjoyed a moment. Oh the grief was still there, but I felt lighter.

Sometimes you just have to hold on for one more day. Sometimes you have to build a snow man. Collect your energy, build on it, baby it, feel the cold on your hands and the warmth later. Grief stinks. Those that haven’t gone through losing a child can’t get it completely. I hope that they never do. I don’t wish this on anyone and I’m sorry if you know my pain.

How do we survive this? Like collecting snow in your hands to build up a snow man, build up something to distract you. Concentrate on work, a project, family, something new, something old, something that feeds your soul. Baby yourself. Do not isolate yourself for too long. Find a grief support group of people who know and understand your pain. Like patting the snow, take care of you, do what you need to do. There is no shame in your tears, anger, sadness. Face the cold of the grief, it is here to stay. Embrace the warmth of putting your hands in your pockets and thawing out a little bit when you get a break. Know that a lighter moment like that can come and there will be more. You made it through another day.

You can do this. Step back and look at your snowman- what you have created, what you still have in the midst of your loss. First and foremost, you have you and you are worth the fight to survive this. Hold on! You, like me, can do one more day.

I love you, Riley.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Love, Mom

February 14, 2015February 14, 2015 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

Valentine’s Day, a day we express our love for someone special in our lives. Though I have shared a million and one “I love you’s”, kisses and hugs with my children, Valentine’s Day is a day that I set out to make sure it is a memorable one for them. In my eyes, traditions, making my children feel extra special each holiday and birthday has always been important. It is my job in the big and little scheme of raising my children. It is not a task on a list. I don’t have to. I want to. As they have grown, I have not yet given up attempting to make Valentine’s Day special for them. I haven’t decided when to let it go, but not yet.

As soon as the kids were old enough to know what day it was, I began traditions for Valentine’s Day. The day began as they woke up with a brown paper lunch sack sitting by their bed to be found before their feet hit the floor. Each year the night before, I gathered construction paper, crayons, markers, glue and ribbon. I sat on the floor and cut out hearts of construction paper. I used Red- a color meaning passion, love, Pink meaning soft, playful, Purple- dignity, independence and White- perfection, safety. All colors I want to give to them. I glued the hearts to the bag. I made my own artwork with their name, Happy Valentine’s Day! Love, Mom & Dad and closed each bag with a ribbon laced through the top. Inside the bag was something small for them like a toy, a shirt, something new along with some candy.

The tradition didn’t stop there. When they were little, I cut their sandwiches into the shape of a heart. I packed their lunch boxes with a red juice, an apple or strawberries anything I could conjure up that was red or pink that they would eat. For dinner, the tradition was that the kids and I made heart-shaped homemade pizza. Each child decorated their pizza with toppings of their choice. As they got older and were at a sports practice, job or too lazy to help (darn teenagers), I continued to make the heart-shaped pizzas. It was tradition. That was our Valentine’s Day.

Not having the ability to leave the Valentine’s bag by their bed last year, I delivered their paper bags to them. In Riley’s Valentine bag decorated with his name, construction paper hearts and “Love, Mom” was a SNARK for tuning his guitar. I remember walking up the stairs to find him in the loft, in his chair with his girlfriend next to him. When I held out the decorated bag to him, he gave me his crooked, knowing grin. He said,” Thank you” as he pulled out his gift. I saw the SNARK clamped on his guitars often after that. I also saw his SNARK, touched it and left it in its place the very last time I was in his room as I left to get in my car to drive to Kentucky.

This year I mailed a gift to Bria and Braden. When I told Bria something was on its way for Valentine’s Day, she said, “Did you make a paper bag like always?” “Yes, I did!” was my reply. Bria is 25 now. Where ever she has been over the years, I have done my best to continue our Valentine’s tradition. Though Braden is in another state working today, my Valentine gift is there waiting for him. This year, if Riley were alive, he would have been in a dorm room in Flagstaff, Arizona at Northern Arizona University opening a box with his paper sack of candy and a treat from me in it. Perhaps his gift would have been something small that he needed while at college. I can imagine an array of things I might have sent to him.

Last night, I opened my box of keepsakes carefully. I looked at homemade Valentine’s cards from my children over the years. I held Riley’s tenderly knowing his little hands drew the pictures and wrote the words. His little hands that grew to be a man’s hands and then stopped growing. These keepsakes continue to be my gifts today. I smile and I’m pretty sure my eyes twinkle when I think of the age they were when they created them. Hold fast young Mom’s who are at their wit’s end chasing toddlers, in a blink of an eye, they are all grown up…. or gone forever.

Valentine’s Day, a day of love, represents to me my love for my children. Let there be no doubt, I am a proud Mama. These are three beautiful, wondrous creatures that are mine. Two on earth, one in heaven. This will have to be my paper bag decorated for you, Riley.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Love, Mom.

I Love You, Riley.

One Holiday Down, One More To Go

December 16, 2014December 23, 2014 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

As I sit at a dead stop watching a train go by at a railroad crossing on a back road in Kentucky, I think of the crossroad I am at of two very painful holidays this year. One holiday down, one more to go! I can’t help from be impatient in my seat anxious for the cross bars to come up so that I can move on. It is the same kind of wait for the holidays to pass.

Christmas has always been my most favorite holiday. I love everything about Christmas. The lights, the decorations, the baking of cookies and sweets, and the giving. I love to give! As I finish dropping off gifts for children in need in the area, as I finish gathering gifts for my friends and family, there is only a numb feeling on my insides. I move through the motions. I do the things I think I am supposed to, the things that brought me joy every year yet the joy is not within reach this year.

I have decorated the outside of my cabin with big obnoxious multicolored lights. I have baked my traditional cookies and sweets. I have put up a live tree that smells wonderful and has soft pine needles. Mostly Riley ornaments hang from the branches of my Christmas tree. That is about all I have here. I brought with me part of the ornaments I had bought him each year since he was born. A tradition I had for the kids was that I bought an ornament for each one of them that represented their age, their likes and interests. My thinking was that they would have ornaments to take with them when they moved out and had a Christmas tree of their own. Riley’s ornaments will stay with us. He won’t be taking them and putting them on his tree some day like I had planned.

My Christmas tree sits by my fireplace burning warmly. My cabin smells like a camp fire. All of the new here doesn’t keep me from remembering the old. Oh how I miss my kids this year. I will hold two of them again. I wish to God that my boy was still here, alive, breathing, smiling, laughing and entertaining us with his ever present personality. I cry and I cry. I ache and I ache for him. Christmas will never be the same. My life will never be or feel the same.

I think of Riley’s smile as he opened presents. He was just as vibrant at age 17 on Christmas morning as he was when he was 7. Always thankful for his gifts even as he opened the boxes of clothes though you know he was anxious to get to the good stuff.

When he was young, he was the first to wake up. We would give him the go ahead to sort the presents and make our piles of gifts around the tree so that we could have a little more sleep. Then when he let us know that he was done, we would get up, wake up the teenagers and take our spots around the tree. Our tradition was to open presents youngest to oldest. Riley was the first to open a gift each year. He opened his last Christmas gift ever last year. We didn’t know. He didn’t know.

I wish Riley was opening a present from me this Christmas morning. I am glad that I cannot see his empty spot next to the tree. If only he could give us the gift of being here this year.

Just let it be over. Let the stabbing memories of this time of year pass. As the train passes, as I think the crossing bars will raise, another train comes going the other direction! That is where we are this year. Waiting for another Riley memory to pass with yet another one on its way. Though Riley memories give us smiles, the pain that there won’t be another moment in time created with him in it is the uncomfortable stabbing reality of now on. Riley’s choice to try acid on his 18th birthday ended his life and changed our lives, our holidays forever.

Riley, a graduating senior in high school, accepted to NAU, band kid, choir kid, computer whiz, entertainer for anyone in his presence by guitar, jokes, smiles and hugs, a brother, a son won’t sit underneath another Christmas tree and open a present. If only kids would realize that messing with drugs of any kind is dangerous.

Do you really know what is in that joint, pill, tab? Do you know what it will do to you? That possible high, that idea of an experience cannot be worth the outcome of what might happen. It happened to Riley. It is not worth it.

I Love You, Riley.

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Onward And Upward I Go

October 8, 2014 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

I am almost to Kentucky. Just 258 miles left. I have not ever left Arizona without a plan of being back in a couple of weeks. This move is a huge change for me. For years, I have had a dream of having a cabin in the woods. The fact that I have bought a cabin on my own is big. The fact that I have bought a real log cabin in Kentucky is even bigger. I have learned that to take a step in faith reaps reward. The rewards have shown themselves in personal growth, challenges and often, a load of blessings that come in all kinds of forms. I am following my dream and I am going with the flow. Onward and Upward I go.

It is more painful than I had imagined to leave family, friends, familiar streets, buildings, corners, parks….ha-ha…….its going from what I know to what I do not know. It is really really hard to leave Riley things behind. It was a struggle up to the last minute that I walked out the door before I hit the road wondering if I have everything of him with me that might be important to have. I took odds and ends of strange things. Guitar picks, a rock that he had saved, a pencil, two of his WWF wrestlers, his Vans that were at the bottom of the stairs so often, a scrap of paper with a doodle on it, books he had read, music he loved, his tuba mouth piece among other small simple things that he had touched. I am also bringing some of Riley’s ashes to spread in Kentucky. Riley goes with me in my heart. The pain of losing him doesn’t waiver. It is nice to have something to touch but what is most important can’t be left behind.

As I drove out of Arizona, I was looking backwards for the first two days of driving. As I get closer to Kentucky, I am looking forward to what is ahead. It’s taken alot of miles to turn my head around and I’m not totally sure that I have but it’s better. I will arrive in the driveway of my very own log cabin today and the adventure begins. With all of this driving, I have some thoughts on road trips- here are some of my notes to self.

Pay attention to road signs! Oh, too often, I notice too late that I am passing an Exit that I needed, thinking, “Oh no I just missed another one and I have to go!” This leads to the reality that I’ll be miserable for no idea how much longer til I find another Exit which sometimes I pass yet again while in deep thought. Hence, my moaning becomes even louder! This also happens with the need to get gas so I have learned to fill up the gas tank whenever I stop for the aforementioned need. Pay attention.
Other vehicles on such a long drive become like friends to me. They come into your lane, they drive near you. This is sometimes for quite a long time. There is passing of each other, moving to the right, moving to the left, following, and leading. Thinking you’ve left them behind and there they are again. And just as friends do, they go and exit along the way. But no fear, a new vehicle comes along to occupy your space sometimes for a short time, sometimes for miles and miles. Friends come and go.
I feel a sense of safety with the semi’s around me. I have grown to be amazed by these big guys as they take up the highway. This may have to do with a tall gentle giant who is a trucker and a friend. Just like I appreciate his presence in my life, I appreciate those semi’s close by on the open road. I also have noticed my impatience in sharing the road with the semi’s when two trucks take up two lanes and hold me up. So as I like safety, I also want to keep moving. Stay safe. Have some patience.
Music is important on a road trip. I burned CD’s of Riley’s favorite music for this trip. It makes me cry imagining him listening to the music. I wish I could discuss the music with him like we used to. I have found new bands that I really like that he liked. I have also found I do not like some of his taste in music at all. Riley’s tastes in music covered about every genre of music. The more I grit my teeth and listen, the more some of it grows on me. Keep listening.

Onward to Kentucky I go. I have challenges ahead. How to deal with snow, mowing an acre of land, meeting new people and becoming familiar with my new streets, buildings, corners, parks, and critters such as raccoon, opossums, coyote and deer. With all the new while carrying the old and familiar, I am most certain that Upward I go! ……….Watch me fly!

I Love You, Riley!

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