Travel

Happy Birthday Riley

/ djuanadreed / 10 Comments
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View of Lake Cumberland

Today is May 3rd, Riley’s ‘should have been’ 19th birthday. It is also the one year anniversary of his death. My experience with the first holidays and dates of significance since his death is that the anticipation of the day is worse than the day when I get to it. Not this one. The dread during the months before, the week before, the day before has been rough. Today has been heart wrenching with a flood of emotions pouring out of me. I miss him. I want him here on earth with me.

If I had my wish, I would be in Arizona sitting at his home away from home, a coffee shop called Coffee Rush. This is where he could be found any given day. He had his favorite spot to sit which was at a table on the outside patio facing the window. There he could see the reflection of the lake that laid behind him while he had a clear view of who was coming into the shop. I bask in stories told about my son. I want more of them. He truly affected those he came into contact with. Being there today I would be able to be surrounded with stories and laughter.

I needed a plan to get through today. I wanted to do something bright on such a dark day. I decided to hit the road to see something I hadn’t seen yet. The list was long of possible places to go to see for the first time. I chose to drive to Lake Cumberland State Park. It was over an hour from my cabin. A perfect day of 78 degrees…I put Bert in the car, rolled down the windows, opened the sunroof, turned Riley’s favorite music on and drove.

Once you turn off the highway, there is a 5 mile curvy tree lined road that leads to the lake and marina. photo (14)Bert and I stopped at a scenic view on the way and there it was, the view of Lake Cumberland, it was breath taking. Curious to see what else the area had to offer, we continued down to the marina to take more pictures. We found a narrow trail that took us across little wooden bridges that hovered over slow running creeks. The trail wound around old trees and was surrounded by thick vegetation. That is what I needed today. I was breathing in and out, tears were falling as I thought of Riley yet I was enjoying my surroundings. I had to keep moving.IMG_6300

On our way out of the park, Bert and I stopped again at the scenic spot that we saw on the way in. I had brought a vile of Riley’s ashes with me. I had not spread any yet since moving here. I debated whether I was prepared to part with them. It had to feel right. I thought today is his birthday, maybe today was the time to let some of it go. I wasn’t sure that I was ready. I sat there. I contemplated. I looked over and saw a tree that stood tall reaching up to the sky. The tree had a clear view of the water. I stared at the tree’s trunk and thought about Riley’s thoughts on the concept of a tree of life. I looked at the water knowing Riley loved the water. I knew he would find wonder in this spot. I imagined what he would be saying if he were sitting quietly next to me taking in the view with me.

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That is Riley’s tree now.

I took a deep determined breath and put Riley at the base of the tree. It was now a tree of life. I imagined that Riley’s ashes might soak into the ground and feed the tree. The tree would represent Riley looking out onto the water standing tall and proud. The tree’s beauty reflected in the blue sky. I sat there for what seemed like a long time.

As I sat there, a yellow Monarch butterfly flew around me. It circled me. A second one appeared and they flitted here and there, around the tree, around me, into the grass, and up into the sky. I tried to take a picture, they wouldn’t stay still. The butterflies were a confirmation to me that Riley belonged in this spot for alot of reasons. My aching heart took a rest in that moment.

As I started to pull away and head home, the butterfly reappeared in the view of my back window. I wanted to jump out of the car and stay longer. I didn’t. I pushed my foot down on the gas pedal and slowly pulled away. I have to keep moving.

Riley had a favorite spot at Coffee Rush near the water with a view of people that he treasured. He now is in a spot on a mountain side in Kentucky overlooking water with a beautiful view. I am sad that Riley is not here with me on earth to hold, touch, kiss and laugh with. I believe he is in a better place with no pain or sorrow, but true peace. I’m counting on it.

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Look at the purple in the light on the tree in this photo! Riley’s favorite color.

Happy Birthday, Riley. Rest in peace my child until we meet again.

I Love You, Riley.

Here I Am

/ djuanadreed / 2 Comments

photo 3 (41)The beauty of Fall leaves is every where I look. The smell, sound and feel of rain, the surprise of bugs, spiders, and big fat worms crawling across my path causes me to take a larger step or make a stomp. The chill in the air, dew on my lawn with the morning sound of birds chirping. The evening sounds of buzzing bugs, cow moo’s, and coyote howls. The shining stars and a moon looking over me in the pitch dark of the night.  The sound of a train horn as it rolls down the track in the distance. The thrill of driving on rolling hills and back roads, the warmth, color and light of a bon fire.  Braden’s visit, the content feeling of having my son close to me in my new space. The anticipation of having Bria here to hold her hand and cuddle with me as we girl talk for hours. Bert, our family dog who is warm and soft like a rug and constantly under my feet.  He is company. Cuts and scrapes on my hands sting from an instant decision to tackle trimming a fence line which lacked the smart decision of using gloves. I have made it to my log cabin in Kentucky.

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Here I am. I have relocated, but often it feels surreal as if I’m going through motions. It is amazing to me how differently we live in different parts of the country. Attitudes, demeanor, language are different here compared to the city. With that said, it does feel like this is where I am supposed to be stretching and growing. I take note of  the sights, smells, sounds and touch of new things here. The loss of Riley continues to penetrate me like an invasion I do not want. I do want him to sit on my porch and play his guitar. I want him to come around a corner and give me a big Riley hug lifting me off of my feet and holding me for awhile. What I want and what is, is not the same.

I woke up last week with an idea of making an appointment to meet with the principal of a local school to talk about telling Riley’s story here. My job is not done to look for avenues to spread the reality of the dangers of drugs to teens. I don’t believe Riley consciously intended to hurt himself.  Yet it happened. He is gone because of a choice to try LSD. Knowing my son, I believe he thought he was in for an experience on his 18th birthday that he would not forget. That experience ended his life. His choice is now my experience as a parent.

Yesterday I was sitting on my porch, I absent mindedly reached down, touched my necklace and proceeded to cry while I held it. On my necklace hangs Riley’s thumbprint. On the back it says, My Son, My Love, Riley. I cried quite hard for awhile. I had not cried a whole lot about Riley since I left Arizona. All of the new things and duties of moving has kept me busy. I’m still not done unpacking. Interestingly I was grumpy and felt tired yesterday. The cry helped. It was a release I didn’t even know I needed til it happened. I continue to wish that this isn’t real, that it didn’t really happen. It is a bad nightmare that I cannot wake up from. There is no hope that I will wake up from this. It is something I have to live with the rest of my life. I hate it. I hate it so very much.

I have felt a twinge of guilt for not crying as much since I arrived here. The ache, the pain still is there. I go to open a box and when it is of Riley keepsakes, my heart skips a beat. I have closed some boxes til another day. Am I supposed to live out the rest of my days in sadness? I know I will. I asked the grief counselor before I left Arizona if I would feel joy again despite the grief. I like joy. I miss the pump of my heart when I am happy. I miss belly laughs. She said, “Yes, it will come in spurts”. I feel content, but that hop, skip and jump of a heart beat as a result of happy hasn’t appeared again since the day that he died.

My heart is definitely still beating. I am still alive. What am I going to do now that I am missing a part of me? What am I going to do with this life that God has given me? I am going to breath deep filling up my lungs. I am going to take in whiffs of the new smells here. I am going to taste new foods. I am going to keep my eyes open being aware of what is around me, listen intently, touch what is before me and continue to take One Step at a Time. I’m going to keep fighting for other teens to not make the fatal mistake Riley did. Here I am.

I Love You, Riley.