When Riley was a toddler he fell asleep in the oddest places. Being the third child he had to, I suppose. I was busy running around with two other children who had to be at grade school  and preschool and be picked up at different times.  Of course those pick up times were in the middle of Riley’s nap time.  I drug him out for play dates, girl scouts and T-ball practices for the older two kids. I have a picture of him asleep on the stairs. He is sitting on one step with his head on the other sound asleep in his favorite Spiderman pajamas which he wore as much as possible day and night. I have another picture of him asleep in a plastic tub most likely he was playing in it, curled up and decided to snooze a bit. I even have a picture of him asleep on the toilet. It’s the cutest picture. He is in a baseball hat turned backwards, sleeveless t-shirt with his head cocked sideways fast asleep with his shorts down around his ankles. I’m not going to show you that one, but it’s a cute one!

Riley was my last baby. I went to Greg and said, “I want one more. I want a chubby blonde boy.”  It’s exactly what I got too. I didn’t know you could order up exactly what you want when you have children, but we did. Bria looked like a baby doll with rose bud lips and big eyes. She was determined to not sleep when we wanted her to. Oh the things we did to try to get that child to sleep.  Braden was sweet with a full head of hair. He had a ball in his hand as soon as he could hold one. He put himself to sleep when I put him down with no fuss. Braden survived big sister’s abuse. Bria was 2 1/2 and I found her picking him up as a newborn more than once trying to carry him off like a doll. I think maybe Braden in turn payed forward when Riley arrived. Riley was born with dark hair that turned blonde. Riley was cute as a button. He was just plain kissable. He came out smiling and he didn’t stop. I rocked him to sleep to an older age than the rest. I would whisper songs to him and rock. When the hustle and bustle of the day was over, I took the time to hold him as I watched him fall asleep. I savored that time we had together. I can still feel that time in the rocking chair holding him close as we rocked back and forth together.

I don’t have trouble sleeping like many people seem to experience as they are going through grief. Though the first night that he died, I did not sleep. It was the most awful, painful, draining day of my entire life. I wouldn’t relive that day again for a million bucks.  I do know to be thankful for my hours of rest and sleep. It gives me a break from the ache that I feel. The problem is, I wake up and he’s still not here anymore. Waking up is not what it used to be before Riley died.

Riley and I had a ritual where I popped, rubbed and scratched his back before bed. When at 17, he was still asking as he was going to bed, “Mom will you rub my back?” I was surprised he was still asking. I can’t tell you how many times, I was in bed, had a headache or was in the middle of something when he asked. Yet if he found me awake and asked, I got up and did that for him.  It was a long process and I couldn’t skip to just scratching his back or do it out of order. It was a time that we talked about nonsensical things to serious things. Teenagers, they are hard to pin down to talk to so ya gotta get those talks in when you can even when it is about an event of their day, what’s going on with a friend or something as deep as whether the Bible is literal. We hit on all kinds of subjects during that time.

I guess I did savor bedtime with Riley from infancy to very close to adulthood. I didn’t rub his back at 18. I missed it by a day. The last time I was sitting on his back rubbing it, I asked if he was going to miss this when he went away to college. He said “Yep, lower, no to the right- ya there.” Oh, how I miss my sweet baby boy.

I love you, Riley.