My Riley Quilt

July 21, 2015 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

My Riley quilt has arrived. If you have followed me on Facebook over the past year, you know that Greg’s older sister, Sharon, offered to make he and I quilts out of Riley’s t-shirts. We divided the shirts picking which ones were important to us. Greg and Riley went to concerts together. They both loved music. I was a booster Mom for band and choir. I went along to some concerts and I also shared his love of music. We chose our memories with him in the shirts we picked.

I had a hard time parting with the shirts that weren’t washed. They still smelled like him. I held them close. I stared at them trying to make myself, will myself to wash and send them. It was too hard. I wasn’t ready. I decided to not make myself do it. I waited.

And when it felt right, when I decided I wanted the quilt enough to let them go, I washed them, folded them and sent the box of our chosen shirts to Sharon. Right now, to be honest, I am missing the shirts again. I can see the remnants of the paisley shirts that I bought him and the Hawaiian shirts I picked out for him that he was so well-known for wearing. The one he wore that last evening that he was alive I miss the most. He had dropped it in the same spot in his room that most of his dirty clothes gathered. He had a hamper. He rarely used it! I held that shirt the most.

When UPS rang my doorbell today, I stepped out and saw the box and knew what it was. Sharon let me know that it was coming. I hurried inside, put it down, ran to my junk drawer to find a pocket knife and started to cry before I even got back over to the box. More quiet tears fell as I opened it and more came as I spread it out and admired it. When I wrap myself in the quilt, I will cry again.

Sharon said that it took her so long to make the quilts because it took her awhile to be able to open the box of shirts when they came to her. It was an emotional task of love what she has done for us. I have imagined being wrapped up in this quilt for a year now. I am forever grateful to Aunt Sharon. Bria and Braden have their quilts from her when they graduated from high school. She has done a quilt for all of her nieces and nephews at age 18. Riley’s was planned, but he died before she had the shirts to make his.

On my quilt are t-shirts from The Beatles, Rush, Weezer, The Ramones, The Doors, Foo Fighters, Dinosaur Jr., Jimi Hendrix, Reel Big Fish and Two Verse. There are specific memories for each band t-shirt I picked. Music was Riley and there are experiences he had with each shirt on or experiences he shared with me while in them that are my memories. I also chose one of his CHS Marching Band t-shirts. I was remembering lining up feeding the band during long practices and before football games. I chose a CHS Choir t-shirt because I have beautiful memories of watching him on stage with his long blonde hair in his sparkly red bow tie singing his heart out. I have a tender memory of watching him play his guitar and sing with a classmate during choir class. His choir teacher told me that she watched me watching him from the back corner of the room. She said she will forever remember my face in that moment. I also picked his Senior t-shirt because of the box of graduation announcements I had sitting on my desk that never got mailed. For the cap and gown that I bugged him to make sure that he got ordered. He never picked those up to wear on graduation day.

In the center of my quilt is the last gift Riley gave me. On my birthday in April, he gave me a Northern Arizona University MOM t-shirt that I hadn’t worn yet. I would have worn it proudly. He never got to step on campus as a freshman.

The times I scooped these shirts up off that pile in his room and washed them are on my mind. The times he sat himself next to me in them and said, “Mom, will you scratch my back?” The times I ironed the paisley shirts before he left the house on a date or for senior pictures. Senior pictures that he never got to see. Sometimes I sleep in his white under shirts. I kept those.

My love, my son, at 18 died from trying a drug the very first time. A drug that was bought online. A tab that was loaded way past the amount he thought he bought. Chasing a cool experience, Riley had a horrifying one that he wasn’t able to climb out of. I lost my son that night.

I hold this quilt of memories of Riley trying to remember how he smelled. How he felt when he hugged me in them. What he looked like in the t-shirts smiling at me and hearing his voice saying, “I love you, Mom”. I want so bad to look at his face alive and healthy with that twinkle in his blue eyes. I want to be able to smile back at him and say, “I love you, Riley”. I will have to hold him in my Riley quilt instead.

I Love You, Riley.

Meet Bert

July 14, 2015 / djuanadreed / 2 Comments

Meet Bert. Bert is my side kick, my constant companion, my rock, and my security. Bert is a 6 1/2 year old pure bred Bouvier des Flanders. At 8 weeks old, Bert flew to us on a plane from Pennsylvania. He was a black and brown bundle of fur that blended into our dark floor. Today he stands tall and 120 lbs (or more). Buying him was a covert operation. He was a surprise Christmas gift from the kids and I to their Dad. He was a wonderful addition to our family. He fit right in. He is big and bulky like a bull in a china closet, soft to the touch as a furry blanket with a constant slobbery wet muzzle from lapping up water when he drinks.

When I bought the log cabin in Kentucky, Greg offered for Bert to move with me as he knew Bert would enjoy the larger space to roam with cooler weather. It is fun to watch Bert in Kentucky. He drug his nose, romped and laid in the snow during our first winter as if he didn’t even know it was cold. He moves around the yard smelling new smells. He posts himself at the bottom of trees looking straight up waiting for the squirrels to come back down. He chases fireflies in the grass in the evenings like he chased the laser light the boys would shine for him to chase.

Social is not a word I would use about Bert. Since he was young when he and I were on walks around the local park, he would stop and allow people to touch him out of a sort of obligation while looking at me like now can we keep moving? His job is to protect and care for others. His breed is a herding breed. When he was a pup, he would try to block me from climbing the stairs. He was always under my feet like a toddler. He still is.

Bert is my side kick and constant companion. Though he is not allowed to lay on my couch, he often slips in the maneuver of backing up to it, leaving his front feet on the floor and plopping his behind down beside me. He rides along in the car with me when I go into town. When he sits straight up and looks out the window, his head is close to the roof of the car. Passers by take a second look to see what that large hairy thing is in the car window. He naturally draws a lot of attention and often is gifted treats from people at our local stops.

Bert does not leave my side. I have to sit outside with him. If I go inside, he will stop whatever he is doing and hurry to the back door. I wish he would stay outside and play. He will not. He is like a ping pong ball in a maze. As I fold clothes and put them away room to room, he follows at my heels crowding me in the hall. I try to tell him to relax that I will be right back, but he doesn’t seem to get it. If I stand still, he lays down and then as soon as I make a sudden move, he pops back up to follow. I can’t even go to the bathroom alone when he is awake- see? just like a toddler.

Bert lets people know that he is here if they come close to the cabin. He has a very loud bark that stops the largest of men in their tracks while they prepare to run. He sent the little old lady with her small dog in her arms running after hearing Bert’s bark of hello from the front porch. I tried to calm her. I yelled, “He’s really not mean. He’s just loud.” She kept going. I am safe with Bert around.

Bert is my rock. When the pain of missing Riley comes to a head, when the tears sneak out, Bert stares at me for a minute then moves out of sight to another room as if to say, I’ll let you feel this for a bit. When I am worn out, when the crying has stopped, he comes back and lays at my feet to let me know he is here.

I know he misses all of what he knew and was familiar with in Arizona from the other pets to family. They miss him too. I am thankful that Bert is here. I am never alone. He is in tuned to me. He senses me. I know he misses Riley too. There are many pictures of Bert and Riley together over the years.

I have the memory – one I had seen many times- of Bert and Riley wrestling when Riley got home from school. That was on the last day that I saw Riley alive. Bert is changed forever since the night Riley died. Me too. I know he would run up to Riley and give him his back to scratch with a big lick across his cheek afterwards if he could. Me too.

I Love You, Riley.

This Side of the Clouds

June 29, 2015 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

It’s a beautiful summer day in Kentucky. Weather is in the 70’s with a breeze. The sun is peeking in and out from behind the clouds. My property is a little over an acre. I have a hammock that sits out in the middle of my backyard of mostly grass. I walked out to the yard and laid on my hammock today.

I found myself staring at the crisp white clouds floating in the blue sky. I thought of how far that sky goes past those clouds. I thought of Riley and then I thought, Is heaven up there? Is he up there? We usually look up for heaven. Where is heaven? Then I started talking to him.

I said, “Riley, I am sorry this happened to you.” I pictured his face, his long blonde hair, his smile and my bottom lip started that quiver that I know so well now. The tears came for a few minutes like a cleanse. It happens like that a lot. One thought, one memory of Riley causes water flowing down my cheeks. It was only a few tears this time. Sometimes that is all I need. I kept staring at the clouds.

I truly am sorry. It shouldn’t have happened. He didn’t plan for it to happen. He thought he was doing something cool on his 18th birthday. He didn’t know. He couldn’t have known that his first try of acid would end like that. That he would die.

I wish he hadn’t tried the acid alone. I wish he hadn’t tried it at all. I wish the person that made the tab hadn’t screwed up. I wish that the little weasel that bought it online and sold it to him wasn’t still walking around and dealing. The kids at school knew who sold it to him. There was a hush and whispering as he showed up at the memorial and as he sat there at the funeral. How does he live with himself I wonder. I want him to stop selling. I fear for other teens lives that buy from him.

I wish LSD wasn’t being made or being sold period. I wish kids realized they don’t know what they are buying. They have poison in their hands. So many teens are dieing on the first try of a drug. They are dropping dead. Teens like Riley, like Montana, like Sam who went looking for something to do on a weekend, looking for a high.

This is the deal…..Drugs kill. There is so much crap out there. Even pot can be laced with other drugs. What you think you are buying is probably not what you are getting. Synthetic weed is killing teens like Connor. It is still legal in many states and sold in convenience stores. Teens are dieing. Dead. Gone because of a chase of a high. It may sound fun at the time. Of course they don’t want to or plan to die. These teens had things to do the next day, things they were looking forward to.

As I find my high in other ways, I wish our teens would learn to do the same. There is so much around us to enjoy. To make our hearts skip a beat, to feel light, free, excited. For me it is the cool breeze on my face, the sun shining, the dirt under my fingernails, the skip of my heart when I climb a tree or dance with no one looking. I like the feeling of finishing a good book, good food, a good laugh, an intense conversation, and winning an argument.

What makes your heart skip a beat? Do that. Not drugs. Skip the drugs, put them away, get help if you need it. Live, Laugh, Love… Grow, Be challenged. Don’t die. Live Please Live.

I’m sorry Riley that this happened to you. You should be here laughing, shaking your head at me, being irritated at my constant questions while asking for a back scratch. You should be laying with me on my hammock having a good long talk about where heaven is. I miss you. I wish you were here. You should be playing your guitar under the blue sky – on this side of the clouds.

I Love You, Riley.

A Roller Coaster Ride

June 8, 2015June 9, 2015 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

Joy! Roller Coaster Ride, Choir Trip 2014

The pattern of Grief is a roller coaster ride. You never know what is coming day-to-day. There are good weeks and there are terribly bad weeks. I have recently made it through some of those terribly bad weeks that came with the one year anniversary of Riley’s death in May. I have moved into a feeling of numb but I am functioning. I am trying to recoop. I am trying to live. Once you go through one of the stages of grief, it doesn’t mean that you won’t ever feel it again. This I have learned. You might visit stages out of order, skip one, come back to another and repeat. My grief is not going anywhere. This I know.

This past weekend I attended The Great American Brass Band Festival in Danville, Kentucky. I took my chair and I planted myself on the grass with my camera in hand. What I saw around me were people of all ages eating ice cream, drinking drinks listening to music while sitting on the lawn. The stage was a gazebo. The backdrop was an old brick building, green grass, trees, pretty flowers with the sun going down and the fireflies blinking. As the bands played, children waved around light sticks. The patrons Moms, Dads, children danced close to the stage to the brass music from the bayou. The weather was perfect. The music was wonderful. Laughter echoed around me. I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

Staring at the band, I focused on the tuba player. Oh, so innocently, I thought… Riley would like this event. And there the sharp edge of grief snuck in. It crept straight to my eyes and they puddled. It leaked into my heart and it ached. It was a quick thought that turned into a slump of my shoulders, a limpness of my extremities and a squeeze of my heart. The joy of the moment was instantly replaced.

You see, Riley was a band kid. He had moved from the saxophone to the tuba his sophomore year of high school. He played the tuba well just like every other instrument he took interest in. On Friday nights, we sat in the stands at the football games to hear him play. Over the years we sat in the seats of the Chandler Center for the Arts for his orchestra concerts. I volunteered in the band’s booster club. Band was a part of Riley.

This being a brass band event, I noticed a lot of saxophones and sousaphones (tubas) in the parade the next day. That didn’t make me cry. I wasn’t crying all weekend. It’s just those moments that all of a sudden grab you and yank you down. Like on a trip to the grocery store I was in the frozen food aisle, I saw a frozen pizza made with white sauce and a memory of having dinner with Riley at a restaurant came to mind. He ordered pizza with white sauce. The instant memory of conversation and laughter during dinner that night hit me straight on. That evening we spent together eating pizza was not long before he died. It was a good night.

So in the middle of the store, in a split second my mind went from what do I need at the grocery store to Riley. The tears welled up in my eyes, they sneaked down my cheeks while I stared blindly at a cold glass door thinking about my dead son that I will never share pizza with again. People walked around me as I continuously wiped each tear until the tears ceased and then I resumed my hunt for the next item on the list.

The realization that this is my life is in my face. I will forever have thoughts of my son and subsequent tears. Riley was lost by a first time try of LSD bought online. My youngest boy who had a whole life ahead of him of college and a future is gone by a decision to mess with a drug. This is my life now because of his decision and the consequences of it.

I am me, but I am not me anymore. It’s like rediscovering life with a hole in my heart. It is trudging through the poop, the waste, the knee-high water that rises in front of me. Like a tide it disappears and reappears. This is grief. It is my life in the absence of my son who was a part of me.

I miss that part of me so very much. I am here living this altered life I didn’t ask for. What I ask is that my grief not be in vain. That the loss this world has suffered by Riley not being in it anymore be a story to be told to young adults who are and will be faced with the decision to try a drug. It is what keeps me telling Riley’s story. It is what has nailed me to the seat of the ups and downs on this roller coaster ride. It is my hope that lives are saved by my speaking out.

I Love You, Riley.

Happy Birthday Riley

May 4, 2015 / djuanadreed / 10 Comments

View of Lake Cumberland

Today is May 3rd, Riley’s ‘should have been’ 19th birthday. It is also the one year anniversary of his death. My experience with the first holidays and dates of significance since his death is that the anticipation of the day is worse than the day when I get to it. Not this one. The dread during the months before, the week before, the day before has been rough. Today has been heart wrenching with a flood of emotions pouring out of me. I miss him. I want him here on earth with me.

If I had my wish, I would be in Arizona sitting at his home away from home, a coffee shop called Coffee Rush. This is where he could be found any given day. He had his favorite spot to sit which was at a table on the outside patio facing the window. There he could see the reflection of the lake that laid behind him while he had a clear view of who was coming into the shop. I bask in stories told about my son. I want more of them. He truly affected those he came into contact with. Being there today I would be able to be surrounded with stories and laughter.

I needed a plan to get through today. I wanted to do something bright on such a dark day. I decided to hit the road to see something I hadn’t seen yet. The list was long of possible places to go to see for the first time. I chose to drive to Lake Cumberland State Park. It was over an hour from my cabin. A perfect day of 78 degrees…I put Bert in the car, rolled down the windows, opened the sunroof, turned Riley’s favorite music on and drove.

Once you turn off the highway, there is a 5 mile curvy tree lined road that leads to the lake and marina. Bert and I stopped at a scenic view on the way and there it was, the view of Lake Cumberland, it was breath taking. Curious to see what else the area had to offer, we continued down to the marina to take more pictures. We found a narrow trail that took us across little wooden bridges that hovered over slow running creeks. The trail wound around old trees and was surrounded by thick vegetation. That is what I needed today. I was breathing in and out, tears were falling as I thought of Riley yet I was enjoying my surroundings. I had to keep moving.

On our way out of the park, Bert and I stopped again at the scenic spot that we saw on the way in. I had brought a vile of Riley’s ashes with me. I had not spread any yet since moving here. I debated whether I was prepared to part with them. It had to feel right. I thought today is his birthday, maybe today was the time to let some of it go. I wasn’t sure that I was ready. I sat there. I contemplated. I looked over and saw a tree that stood tall reaching up to the sky. The tree had a clear view of the water. I stared at the tree’s trunk and thought about Riley’s thoughts on the concept of a tree of life. I looked at the water knowing Riley loved the water. I knew he would find wonder in this spot. I imagined what he would be saying if he were sitting quietly next to me taking in the view with me.

That is Riley’s tree now.

I took a deep determined breath and put Riley at the base of the tree. It was now a tree of life. I imagined that Riley’s ashes might soak into the ground and feed the tree. The tree would represent Riley looking out onto the water standing tall and proud. The tree’s beauty reflected in the blue sky. I sat there for what seemed like a long time.

As I sat there, a yellow Monarch butterfly flew around me. It circled me. A second one appeared and they flitted here and there, around the tree, around me, into the grass, and up into the sky. I tried to take a picture, they wouldn’t stay still. The butterflies were a confirmation to me that Riley belonged in this spot for alot of reasons. My aching heart took a rest in that moment.

As I started to pull away and head home, the butterfly reappeared in the view of my back window. I wanted to jump out of the car and stay longer. I didn’t. I pushed my foot down on the gas pedal and slowly pulled away. I have to keep moving.

Riley had a favorite spot at Coffee Rush near the water with a view of people that he treasured. He now is in a spot on a mountain side in Kentucky overlooking water with a beautiful view. I am sad that Riley is not here with me on earth to hold, touch, kiss and laugh with. I believe he is in a better place with no pain or sorrow, but true peace. I’m counting on it.

Look at the purple in the light on the tree in this photo! Riley’s favorite color.

Happy Birthday, Riley. Rest in peace my child until we meet again.

I Love You, Riley.

The Stark Reality of Grief

April 24, 2015April 24, 2015 / djuanadreed / 2 Comments

Grief is individual. I am alone in this. Some people may not understand that statement. Unfortunately those who have lost a child do understand it. It is a lonely walk with many people standing all around me waiting to hug, help, ease my pain, yet I cannot receive help on this matter. There is no way I can help you understand what it is like. If you do understand, I am sorry.

I carried Riley in my womb for 9 months. Attached by an umbilical cord he grew within me. While he was growing, I ate the right foods, slept, and was careful to take care of myself in order to grow a healthy baby boy. When I pushed him out into this world, he took a breath and cried. I nursed him. I woke to his cry at night. I rocked him for hours upon hours. I slept with him in my arms.

Riley is and will forever be a part of me. Often I imagine him in my arms, cradling him tightly as I fall asleep. At 17, he towered over me in height and size. I couldn’t pick him up anymore. He picked me up off my feet and held me instead. With the loss of Riley on this earth there is an empty crater that will remain empty. The loss of Riley is felt by many. Their grief is their own.

He was a part of me as I was a part of him. Being a boy, he wanted to be like his Dad. He was so much like his Dad. He and his sister were like a comedy routine together jousting back and forth with words and phrases that sometimes only they understood. He and his brother were bound together as brothers. This was apparent when irritating each other in their bunk beds at night or when they were ganging up on their big sister. He will always be with us in our hearts. We will always cry for him.

The stark reality of how individual grief is has hit me hard. Since the day that he died, I have been waiting to grieve with the other half of him, his adult brother and sister yet it has not happened like I ached for it. They must walk this walk the way they need to. Their grief is individual. There is no right or wrong. There are stages. There are ups and downs. They will find their own solace and their own way of handling their pain. The memories that make me smile don’t always make them smile, but make them cry instead. The photos that warm me can’t be shared with a sure feeling that they will receive them in a moment they can handle the memory. I wait to be held by someone who feels it like I feel it, but it doesn’t come. There is not anyone that feels my loss like I do.

Family and friends consistently try. They ask, “What can I do for you?” My answer is always, “Nothing.” I can’t think of anything that might make me feel better. It is an empty hole, an ache that grips and runs rampant through my whole body. My heart aches, hurts, pounds like it is reaching out for him and then my heart feels lifeless within me. I cannot reach him. He is gone.

As I sat alone in my apartment the day after the funeral waiting for the promised call to come be with family that never came, I realized I was on my own. There, in that moment, I started to realize I must get through this for Riley. Without my youngest son on this earth, I can still get up, stand up and keep moving as hard as it is sometimes. I can make my way through this maze of pain, of loss, of a changed life. I can hold on to my love for him. I can fight for other teen’s lives. I can fight for mine.

Riley tried LSD for the first time on his 18th birthday. He was about to graduate from high school. He was accepted to Northern Arizona University. He was in love with a girl who loved him back. He could be found almost every day of the week at Coffee Rush sitting with old friends or making new ones. The LSD was bought online by the dealer who was a peer of his. Riley thought he had bought a certain amount, the tab was loaded with so much LSD that the medical examiner said he had not seen that high of an amount in one body in the 30 years of doing his job. In the horrors at the end of his acid trip, Riley took a gun and shot himself. In an unconscious pull of a trigger, my baby boy was gone.

Riley had consequences that he never considered. It was his choice to try a drug. My motivation to tell Riley’s story in my grief is that teens hear the message which is It can happen. It is absolutely not worth the try. Riley lost a future of experiences, milestones and memories for both of us. As I walk this walk, I will continue to tell his story in hope that it will be shared to help turn a teen away from risking the fate Riley suffered. Life is precious…….. even the grieving kind.

I Love You, Riley.