Just Go

July 1, 2014July 6, 2014 / djuanadreed / 2 Comments

I am on a road trip. I just had my nose pressed up against the glass watching fireworks going off from my fourth story hotel room in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I enjoyed the unexpected show of exploding colorful lights in the night sky. This is quite a road trip for me. It is not a planned road trip. There has been no forethought to the whats, wheres, and whens of this trip. I packed up my car and left with a printed map off the internet and an ending destination on the GPS in my car. All I knew it was 1,823 miles and that it would take an estimated 28 hours and 6 minutes. As I drove out of town, I drove by a little auto shop that did not appear busy. I pulled in and said “I’m leaving right now for Kentucky, will you check my fluids and my tires?” The young man said, “Really? That’s a serious cross country road trip. You are braver than I am.” I thought, “Wait! What? No, don’t think about it, Djuana. Just Go.”

When my car’s once over was complete, I did “Just Go” with a cooler full of ice and water bottles, a flashlight, a bag of potato chips, the largest bag of almond M&M’s that I could find, a soft stuffed dog of Riley’s to hug if needed and a conscious decision to not think as I pulled onto the highway. You should know that I am a planner. I over plan. I tend to think of every possible incident and try to prepare for it. I do that every time I prepare for a trip. I do that over planning about allot of things that come my way. Not this time, I just went knowing I need a break and I knew exactly where I should go for it.

What a beautiful thing this spur of the moment decision has been for me. As I drove toward Flagstaff, I was singing out loud to a song on the radio. I thought to myself, “Hey, I feel lighter!” Low and behold I was smiling too. A smile and a spontaneous one at that. That hadn’t happened for me in awhile. My grief sits on me like a heavy load day and night. Smiles happen, of course, but one that comes with a light feeling instead of that heavy load I’ve been feeling while belting out a song on the radio felt good.

Let me add to this whole road trip scenario and tell you that I hate road trips. I mean, I really do not like road trips. This road trip sounded good to me for some reason. As I have thought about this light feeling I am experiencing while driving along, I have decided this road trip is about so much more than getting from point A to point B. This trip may be about the freedom of trying a new thing out of my comfort zone. This road trip may be about control. I have learned over the years that my kids will make decisions that I agree with and ones that I do not agree with. I have learned in my years of parenting that at this point, I have little control. This was very evident on May 3rd when Riley died. I gave it my best shot in talking to him about drugs as often as I could. He knew better. I told him. I warned him. He made his decision despite those talks. Having two other children who have entered adulthood, I have seen good decisions and poor decisions in the repertoire of their decision making. Riley’s mistake was a whopper that ended his life. I had no control in the decisions Riley made that night. I wish there was a rewind button for him to have a redo to make a different decision. I imagine that he wishes for that too. I want to scream loud enough telling Riley’s story to stop other kids from the same fate. The consequence of death from drug use happens and happens too often. I hate it. I hate drugs. But right now I have the freedom and control of driving, stopping to see some scenic view, listening to the music I want to listen to, eating what I want to eat, and not feeling bad for having to stop to tinkle a zillion times.

The color green and the moisture of the air is growing the farther I drive from the desert of Arizona. Today as I drove, I spent a good amount of time with one hand out the top of my open sunroof feeling the cooler air. I dug through my CD case for something different to listen to and found a CD that said “From Ri ” on it. I put it in and once it started playing, I smiled big. It was songs by Reel Big Fish that he had burned on a CD for me several years ago. Listening to the songs reminded me of that time in his life. He enjoyed going to a couple of their concerts. I vividly remember the conversations we had about their music. Surprises of Riley memories happen often. Sometimes they bring smiles, sometimes they bring tears but I am glad for them to occur in the moments that they do.

I’ve been on the road for two days, I have driven about 600 miles a day yet I’m not tired of driving. Tomorrow I should get to my destination. I am almost sad it is over, but then I eventually have to drive back to Arizona! The ending to my road trip is a place I can have tranquility in the woods. I need that. There are sights, sounds, smells and lots and lots of green that I really enjoy. Life won’t stop while I am sitting in the woods writing. I am taking the pain of Riley’s death with me on this road trip as it is wherever I am. I can not run away from it. At night in the hotel room, I feel the sadness. It is still there. When I get driving on the highway each day, I get that relief again. I’m thinking I cannot keep driving like this but I can be thankful for it right now. I miss Riley like crazy. The pain seems to get worse as time passes. There are times that I still wonder how I will survive the loss of my sweet baby boy. Tomorrow, I will keep singing out loud, feeling the cooler air in my face, breathing better and enjoying the driving with my unexpected moments of joy. I’ll take those however or where ever I get them.

I Love You, Riley.

Holding On

June 22, 2014June 22, 2014 / djuanadreed / 7 Comments

They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I have now had my fill of what I can handle. I am dangling by a thin thread by one hand saying out loud to God, “No more! Can this family have a break? I am worn out. I don’t think I can handle one bit more.” More challenges that are out of my control have come this week. I am not made of steel. I am strong. I know I am, but this is all too stinkin’ much. I’m getting smooshed under the weight of it all.

Riley’s pictures hurt now. There is an ache that comes over me when I see his face smiling behind a magnet on the refrigerator. I can be rushing through the kitchen and there he is smiling at me. I lose my breath when I see his face sometimes. I can be on the phone, look over at his picture sitting on the shelf on the bookcase and I forget the whole conversation while tears well up in my eyes. I want to kiss his cheek and touch him. I can’t. Riley won’t come into a room again smiling and say “Hi” the way that he did. He’s not going to kick his purple and gray Vans off at the bottom of the stairs before he climbs them. He won’t leave a dirty dish on the counter again. I now miss all of those times that I picked a dish up shaking my head thinking Riley, how hard is it to pick the plate up and put it in the sink? There are no dirty clothes waiting for me to wash for him. His bedroom door remains shut. He’s not behind that bedroom door sleeping.

Riley was not a morning person. He was grumpy in the mornings when he was woke up. I didn’t like grumpy so I was willing to give him space as long he got up. Sometimes it took more than one time to stick my head in the door and say, “Riley, get up!” What I would do to deal with Smiley Riley’s grumpy morning demeanor. I would give anything to see him open up that bedroom door. I want to pick up one of his dirty dishes on the counter and move it to the sink for him. I want to wash and fold his clothes for him. I really honestly do. I want to grab on to him and hug him tight. I want to sit by him, put my arm through his and breath the same air of Riley Reed Peterson. My son. My love. I can’t.

I have lost my sweet baby boy to drugs. I HATE DRUGS!

I am told there is no timeline or correct course in grief. I know there are stages of grief and I think I am already barreling through them. I hear that I will bounce from one stage to the other and I could repeat them. I do know that I must allow myself to feel the pain. The grief counselor told me that I am doing okay. I don’t feel like I am doing okay today. It is hard work, this life of grief that got dumped on me and I’m barely into it. I have a life time ahead of feeling the pain of losing my child. I know there is a rope within my reach from this thin thread. I will put two hands on it and I will hold on.

Share Riley’s story, please. Riley was a good kid that made a wrong decision. I am hoping that there is a kid out there that will hear Riley’s story and in turn, will make a different decision so that he or she can kick off their shoes, leave dirty dishes on the counter, and dirty up clothes so that their Mom or Dad can continue to have the privilege of putting their dirty dish in the sink, to wash and fold their laundry, to kiss, to touch and to hold them.

I Love You, Riley.

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A Bittersweet Father’s Day

June 15, 2014June 16, 2014 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

Why do you suppose Father’s Day feels harder for me than Mother’s Day was? Mother’s Day came so quickly after Riley died. I was still numb and making my way through what had just happened. Well, I still am. Greg came with us on Mother’s day. I thought it was important that we all be together. When I flew that kite, I looked up high hoping that the kite would reach Riley some how. I stared up to the sky as the kite weaved and bobbed up there among the clouds with a back drop of a beautiful blue sky thinking… Come on down, be with us Riley. He was. He came along.

I imagine that today is a hard day for Greg. While he is celebrating being a father to three perfect children, he is missing one. Bria has grown to be a beautiful, intelligent, vibrant woman who is completely comfortable in front of a crowd of people just like her Dad. Braden has grown to be quite a talented, incredible young man who is giving of his time and abilities to others like his Dad. Riley was a mini Greg. Riley and Greg shared their love for music, talent in singing, and in the way they made others feel comfortable by their smiles and smart alic comments. Riley happened to look like Greg too. When we decided to have a third child, we couldn’t have guessed how blessed we would be. We called him “Bug” as a nickname. I’m not sure how he got that nickname, but it stuck. Riley turned out to be pretty darn amazing. We were, are very proud of him. The fact that he made a poor decision doesn’t discount any part of who he was. If I could change that decision, I would. I can’t. I think he could have ruled the world some day. In some ways, he still can impact the world in his absence. At least I am hoping so.

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are bittersweet now. I am so very thankful for 18 years with Riley. I am praying for and counting on more than 24 and 22 years with Bria and Braden. I know now more than ever to be thankful for today. I couldn’t be a Mother without the Father so Happy Father’s Day, Greg. Thanks for making three beautiful children with me. We did pretty darn good!

I Love You, Riley.

Coffee, Money and Love

June 13, 2014September 11, 2015 / djuanadreed / 2 Comments

Sitting on the back porch, the house is quiet, the other two kids are sleeping and I’m imagining Riley sticking his head out the sliding glass door saying, “I’m going to Coffee Rush.” I’d say, “OK” and then I’d stare at him for what was next. He’d say, “Can I have some money?” and I’d say,”Really? You have no money?” and he’d say, “Well, I could use some money if you’d like to give me some.” And I’d say with a smirk on my face, “Yeah….” I would walk in and grab some cash, give it to him and say “Here ya go. I love you. This is an advance for the yards being mowed later today, right? ” He’d look at me and say, “Of course. I’ll do the yards….. later. I love you too..Thanks Mom”

The farther we get out from the day he died, the more it sinks in this is real. Amazing how good I am at times at not believing that he is not coming back. I don’t let myself think about the fact that he won’t just appear in a room with his smile and sweet demeanor to make my day. Then out of the blue, it hits me. There is a sinking feeling that wells up from my soul, the tears come to my eyes, fall down my cheeks and it hurts bad . It stings like no other sting I have ever had. I breath deep, I keep moving. I have to keep moving. I am afraid if I stop, I won’t get back up. I don’t want this to be real. I want my baby boy back here with me. Grouchy like when his wisdom teeth got pulled. Calling me for more Kleenex when he had a cold. Me being able to ask for help on my computer and him rolling his eyes because I just didn’t get it and it’ was so simple to him.

I hate that tab that took Riley from me. I hate the chemist that dreamed it up. I hate the lab that produces it and markets it. The dealer that bought it online and sold it to him. A drug on a tab in his mind that was going to give him an experience worthy of a 18th birthday celebration. Couldn’t the birthday dinner, present and family being together been enough? Couldn’t a get together with his friends at the house have been enough? The hugs and kisses and all of which were coming his way in just a few hours. Why couldn’t that have been enough of a celebration? Why did he have to go and try a drug that night?

Riley lost his life because of drugs. One decision made by him had dire consequences. Consequences that ended coffee with friends, reading a good book, playing his music, and sharing his smiles with whoever crossed his path . I wish Riley could stick his head out the sliding glass door today. I want to see his face right there looking at me because he had made a different decision on May 3rd.

I think I will sit here a little longer and imagine the last time he did just that.

I love you, Riley.

What Makes A Hug?

June 8, 2014 / djuanadreed / Leave a comment

The definition of a hug is to “squeeze (someone) tightly in one’s arms, typically to express affection.” I’ve thought a lot about hugs lately. I’ve been getting a whole lot of them from family, friends as well as people that I have never met before. People that I hadn’t seen in 30 years. People I had seen last week. People I have known all my life. People that knew Riley and not me have all delivered squeezes to me tightly in their arms to express affection. I am not sure if the hugs are for these people because of their pain or for me. I think the hug is being delivered for both of us. If you know me, you know I find odd strange questions to hang on to and analyze. This one is my latest. What Makes a Hug? I have noticed that sometimes a hug is given or shared with me that I can melt into. I can feel it all the way through me. I can relax and release in that moment. The thing is, it’s random of who is delivering it to create that feeling in me. It doesn’t really have any consistent factor. So is it me needing that hug at that moment or is it who is delivering the hug that can make the hug feel that way?

One of those really good hugs came from a woman. She’s a little squishy. She’s not real short. Not real tall. I don’t even think she likes me much but she delivered a hug by putting her arms around me and I melted. I instantly released tears and felt comfort in her arms. It was a good hug. Another hug that has stuck out came from a man. I was busy being greeted by strangers and I got this hug. It was delivered amongst the chaos. It felt genuine and for the time his arms were around me, I could breath a little better like a sigh of relief. I felt that hug all the way through me. I thought to myself after I let go of him, now that was a good one! And then there was Riley’s elementary school teacher. It was a surprise to see her and what a warm feeling when she hugged me. It was a hug that helped me breath better for a few minutes. I released some tears with her. I was able to relax for a minute in her hug. I am thankful to have those hugs. That’s a reprieve I don’t get very often these days. My pain stays hour to hour, day to day. It is a constant that is not going to change. I have to learn to live with it. I know that.

A Riley Hug

I can order up a good hug from my kids. I love hugging Braden. Braden is 6’4″ and me, Mom, fits right around my baby’s waist. It’s a good spot. Braden has a heart of gold and his hugs feel like gold. Bria and I meet at a mutual spot when we hug- two girls who are alike more than either one of us wants to admit. We are best friends holding each other. I love hugging Bria. Now Riley’s hugs were unique and I asked for them in a reverence of what I was about to receive. No lie! The picture above is one of mine and Bria’s favorites. You can see because that is what happened when you were lucky to receive a hug from Riley. Bria was moving to Colorado and we were all up early to send her and Braden off on a road trip. I think Riley is 14 in that picture. Bria was 20. I know all that have received a hug from Riley will agree, Riley’s hugs were special! He wrapped his arms around you and picked you up. He held you tight. Sometimes I asked for him to not let go yet. I soaked in my baby boy’s hugs. I knew they were special at the time but Oh what I would do for one more….. No, a lifetime more of Riley hugs to go with Bria and Braden hugs. I should still be gathering all three of my kids’ hugs. I need all three of their kind of hugs. (I just did a heavy sigh). I have to be glad that I had my sweet baby boy in my life for the time that I did. That he has left a lasting impression on the world by his presence here for 18 years. It should of been longer. I planned for it to be a lot longer. It wasn’t.

Hug your kids. Hold them tight. Feel it all the way through you to your core and savor it. Whether the hug is for you, for them or both of you……. HUG.

I Love You, Riley.