It’s Riley’s birthday, May 3rd. He would have been 20 today. I’ve thought a lot about what he might have been doing today on his 20th birthday…finishing his sophomore year at NAU, making plans for the summer. I’ve thought about what he would look like. What he would be like at 20 after two years in college and living away from home. I have thought alot these past few days. Yesterday I was dreading today. I was wishing it wouldn’t come.
Today I woke up and decided the dread of today wasn’t the same now that it is here. I had a plan to celebrate Riley’s life. Why not celebrate the 18 years I had with him and all the blessings that came with having Riley in my life? He gave me many smiles, lots of laughter, kisses and hugs. I am honored to have had him as a son and I am so proud of him for who he was. I had a plan and I kept to it. I went driving.
I went to Forkland, Kentucky first. It’s off the beaten path a ways with rolling hills of lush green and a great drive of scenery. I brought my camera. I found a creek with picnic benches. I climbed down to the water and touched it as it moved across the pebbles. I listened to the sound of the stream as it flowed. I breathed in and out. I enjoyed the moment of being near the water which is exactly where Riley would like to be.
From there I went to Lake Cumberland to where I spread some of Riley’s ashes last year on his birthday. On the way I clicked the CD on of Riley’s music that stays in my CD player in my car. Sometimes it is good to listen to the songs he liked. Sometimes it is not. Today it was a good idea.
I cried here and there while I drove. That’s okay. There is a good reason for my tears I miss my sweet baby boy. The tears that roll down my cheeks are full of my love for him. The drive back to the lake which I hadn’t done since his birthday last year, is so beautiful with winding roads and tall trees.
I went straight to the spot where I spread some of his ashes. The ashes were spread at the base of a tree. It was still there standing tall above all of the other trees with a perfect view of the water. It looked healthy and strong. The air was cool with a breeze blowing. The ground was wet and the smell was of a damp forest. I jumped at the sound of a critter rustling in the brush below me. I laughed at myself and listened. I heard the breeze in the branches and the rustle of nature. I sat awhile. It was a good place to be today.
I covered a lot of miles today. I talked to Riley a little while I drove. I saw views that took my breath away. I found peace sitting on top of a mountain and dipping my hand in cool running water. I did some crying. I did some smiling. I saw purple flowers. I captured moments with my camera. I made it through today.
Today is not only Riley’s birthday, but it his angel date as well. I am tired. My heart hurts. It swells with love for Riley. It pounds with pain that he is not here anymore. It aches for him. It skips a beat and causes me to smile as well. Riley was one of a kind. He gave away smiles when he was alive. Thoughts of him still cause smiles to spread across our faces. It’s hard to think of who Riley was and how he lit up a room and not grin from ear to ear. It’s a certain reaction.
Happy Birthday, my son, my love, I miss you. I long for the day that I can hold, kiss and laugh with you again. I promise I will find moments of peace that contain sites, smells, and sounds to sink into my soul that I know you would have liked to have shared with me.
I Love You, Riley.
I Love You, Riley 