I have been gone awhile from my blog. I would say it is because grief has it’s stages. When I began writing here, it was healing to talk about how I was feeling and to share my memories of Riley. There is a lot of navigating needed in grief.

I would like to think that I have always met my grief of losing Riley head on. I saw a counselor right off the bat. I have done a lot of self checking over the past 5 years by stepping in to a counselor’s office or just a self check making sure I was on the healthy side of what I was feeling and how I was tackling my grief each day.

One of the things you’ll notice people who have lost a child say is, “say his name.” You who have not lost a child wonder do you mention the lost child and wonder, when is it okay to mention them and when is it not? I actually hesitate myself with my own immediate family. How will they accept this feeling if I say it out loud? Is it a day they don’t want to go there? So I wonder too.

But I would say, without a doubt………I love hearing someone say Riley’s name. I don’t want you to forget Riley. I don’t want you to forget Riley’s story.

So why I haven’t been here writing is because it increasingly got harder to pull up memories and feelings at some point. It was better to avoid them to manage my life. Not that they aren’t always there because they always are. But to pour it out here on my blog, took time and thoughts and tears. So, I quit and stopped making time to write. That’s the honest gest of it.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Everyone grieves differently. Everyone’s stages may look different. Some of us move as fast as we can (I think men do that more than women) and some of us stay in each stage of grief longer or do a repeat of hanging on to some of those stages. It is what it is. As long as you aren’t being self destructive or are in trouble mentally, going through the grief of losing a child is personal.

Pacing in my apartment, surrounded with people the day Riley died, I kept thinking I can’t make this better. This isn’t ever going to be better. This pain is going to stay.  I was right.

For whatever reason, I’m ready to write again. I have so much to tell you. There’s been like years of speaking, a grandson born and more- much more. If you follow me on Facebook, you’re caught up. If you’re not caught up, hang on I’m fixing to tell you all about it!

Life’s a journey and I am taking one step at a time.

I Love You, Riley.