I have turned 50. What have I learned in 50 years on this earth? It’s all about how you look at it. You can only find happy and contentment from within. You can’t change people. People will disappoint you. Just when you think that person would never…you find out they did. Just because it looks one way, doesn’t mean that it is. You think you are safe, you’re not. Open your mind. Be still. Grief is individual. Life is short don’t waste a minute. Roll with the punches and stand back up.

Age is mind over matter. I forget that I am as old as I am. My mind and body don’t match up. I am still growing up.  50 years on this earth. I’m just now starting to live in a way I never imagined was possible with so much new around me. I was set in a life that was pretty good, but I stepped out on a ledge and dove head first. I was stomping in puddles and climbing trees with a newfound freedom of being me and then Riley died. That shook up my world to a point I never could have imagined. I am changed forever yet my insides are still there cooking, bubbling up and being fed in unexpected ways. Finding joy again is in the future they tell me.

Grief is a son of a bitch. I want my youngest son back. I don’t want the 50 years back. I don’t want to go back. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life to this point and I can’t change what happened to Riley. It is done. He is gone. Makes me angry. Makes me hurt beyond belief. The pain makes me want to quit and die too. It is true. But I want to see what happens next in my life. I just wish he had a life. I had planned to see him graduate from college, marry, have kids. I wanted to see what he would become, what he got to do, the life he would create. Yet, his life stopped. Mine continues.

As I am about to write a big check to the IRS which pisses me off, as I wonder about my income and my future.  As I worry about making the right decisions as I make them on my own for the first time ever. I wonder what will my life look like ahead. I don’t know. I have one less child on earth. I have two more really great children who have whole lives ahead. I can’t wait to see what they do with theirs as their journeys continue. What will I do with mine? Why make plans? They change and get broken. How about I just go with it and trust life will take me where I am supposed to be. God knows.

This morning as I eat blueberry cream pie for breakfast. As I suffer from the sugar high that is on its way, I have to be thankful for 50 years lived. That includes the disappointment and severe inner pain. I will sit back and ride this life as it unfolds. Life is a journey. I know that more than ever. There are pit stops and corners to turn. I don’t know what the next 50 years will hold. I am hoping there are that many years to experience. I’m looking forward to joy, happy, healthy and watching my children’s lives unfold with joy being happy and healthy.

I’m looking forward to overcoming the challenges that I face right now and then meeting the new ones along the way. I can do this life. I know I can. It is a little emptier, a little lonelier and very unsure. Challenges create growth and I’m up for growth. I am more confident in myself than I have ever been. I am writing when I only dreamed of writing. I am living on my own when I only dreamed of living this way.

I am stronger than I ever thought. I am stronger than I wish I had to be. But it seems to be part of my journey is to face the unthinkable and to keep standing. It is all about mind over matter. So here’s to 50 years lived and 50 more!

I Love You, Riley.