Fourth of July is one of my most favorite holidays. This holiday means red, white and blue, a family gathering, a cook out, homemade ice cream, and colorful explosions of fireworks in the sky. I have vivid memories of being in the back of my Dad’s pick up truck parked up on Hole in the Rock at Papago Park watching the fireworks. After dinner, Mom made homemade ice cream every year. It was a noisy old electric ice cream maker. She would set up on the walk way outside of the back door of our house with blocks of ice, an ice pick and a bag of rock salt. The ice cream maker turned and turned with a hum. The salty water ran out of the side of the ice cream maker to the grass. We anxiously waited and watched until the first batch was done so that we could each get a bowl full. There’s nothing else like sweet, cold homemade ice cream. Hot summers in Arizona in July scream for ice cream.

I have pictures of  Bria, Braden and Riley dressed in red, white and blue outfits for Fourth of July. Yes, I was one of those moms. I wish I was home to dig through pictures for a picture of all three kids dressed up to celebrate the day. I think I let that part of the tradition of Fourth of July go before Riley got much older than preschool age.  The things we moms put our kids through. Okay I’ll speak for myself, ‘Oh the things I put my kids through’. Bria’s first Fourth of July we put her down on the grass to stand. She freaked out over the feel of grass on her bare feet. She cried as she drew her legs up. That was a new experience for her as a baby. I am about grabbing new experiences at this point in my life  and I am doing pretty well at it. It is the simple things that happen or become available to me to experience that are the best.

Riley must have had an idea that he needed a new experience on his 18th birthday. His idea that a drug could do what something else could have bugs the heck out of me.  He had many new experiences ahead starting with being an 18 year old along with many more moments of high school graduation and stepping onto NAU’s campus. He missed out on dorm life,  floundering in college, a career, being married, having babies that I as a Grandma could have dressed up in red, white and blue for this holiday. That’s just a few of the major experiences that could have been ahead for him.  My body instantly reacts with a  jump every time I think of the last few seconds of his life. I hate the thought more than you can imagine. His last experience.

I want to enjoy Fourth of July this year. I will be thinking of the times with Riley that he and I sat together looking up at the fireworks. I want to enjoy the new and also familiar experiences of Fourth of July this year.  Riley said to me very recently that he missed Grandma’s cooking. My Mom died over 5 years ago. I like the thought of them being together now. Tonight Riley and my Mom could reminisce about making homemade ice cream while they sit in their extra special seat to view fireworks. I think colorful fireworks in the sky just took on a whole new meaning to me. I’ll miss the sweet homemade ice cream intensely this year. I will miss my sweet baby boy even more.

I love you, Riley.